By Cletus “Biscuit” McFlapdoodle
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a presidential address that left political analysts scratching their heads and grandmothers clutching their pearls, Speaker of the House Sylvester Turner announced that all U.S. policies will now be determined via a Feyenoord vs. Inter Milan penalty shootout. “This is democracy in its purest form,” Turner declared, while DJ Daniels played an electric kazoo solo in the background.