Witnesses confirm no debate occurred, no opposition was present, and no one asked for a follow-up statement.
SUBURBAN ANYWHERE — A local man announced victory Tuesday in what he described as a “long-running argument,” despite overwhelming evidence that no one else was aware such an argument had ever taken place.
Diplomats confirm nothing was resolved, several points were “noted,” and everyone lost an entire afternoon anyway.
GENEVA — A high-level international summit intended to address multiple global crises ended abruptly Tuesday after delegates collectively realized the meeting could’ve been handled via a single, widely ignored email.
Economists say the numbers aren’t technically getting worse; people are just becoming more aware of them.
NEW YORK — In a move described as “emotionally responsible but financially questionable,” leading economists are now advising Americans to simply avoid checking their bank accounts until “the vibe improves.”
Scientists confirm major discoveries are rarely made on purpose and almost never during scheduled productivity hours.
CAMBRIDGE, SOMEWHERE IMPORTANT — In a rare moment of academic honesty, researchers across multiple disciplines have confirmed that the majority of scientific breakthroughs occur while they are actively avoiding other, more urgent responsibilities.
Officials say confusion is temporary, clarity is coming, and questions are being discouraged until morale improves.
WASHINGTON — Federal officials unveiled a sweeping new policy Tuesday, assuring the public it will “definitely make sense later,” despite widespread confusion, visible concern, and several aides quietly Googling what the policy actually does.
Officials confirm millions spent, zero socks recovered, and morale “critically low.”
WASHINGTON — A newly formed federal task force has been officially assigned to investigate one of the nation’s most persistent mysteries: who keeps leaving one sock behind every single time laundry is done.
Officials confirm no trash issues were resolved, but several personal grudges were.
SUBURBAN ANYWHERE — What began as a routine neighborhood meeting to “quickly address waste management concerns” officially collapsed Tuesday night after devolving into a 45-minute argument about trash cans; their placement, their lids, their wheels, and what they allegedly say about a person’s character.
World leaders insist the deal was “technically successful” for nearly six hours.
In what experts are calling a predictable yet emotionally disappointing outcome, a historic international peace agreement collapsed Tuesday afternoon after all parties involved briefly remembered their shared history, unresolved grievances, and deep personal resentment.
Officials confirm the time is gone, no one remembers spending it, and everyone is mildly offended by the implication.
WASHINGTON — A newly formed federal task force has been assigned to investigate a mystery plaguing Americans across all demographics, income levels, and calendar systems: where the time actually went.
WASHINGTON — A federal task force has reportedly been assembled to investigate the unexplained recurrence of the number 67, despite officials admitting upfront that there is “no evidence it matters.”
