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Breaking: Chaos Erupts as Jenny Declares Bitcoin the Official Currency of JoAnn’s Fabrics

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By Percival “Buzz” Blunderworth, Senior Disruptive Correspondent for True Free World

New York, February 2025 — In what experts are calling “the most ambitious crossover event since the Marvel Cinematic Universe forgot about half its characters,” a woman named Jenny has unilaterally declared Bitcoin as the exclusive currency of JoAnn’s Fabrics, sending shockwaves through the stock market and infuriating coupon-clipping grandmothers nationwide. read more

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Pope Francis Declares Football as the Fifth Sacrament Amid Global Sports Chaos

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By Harmon J. Blatherwick

VATICAN CITY – In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the worlds of religion, sports, and unhinged Twitter pundits, Pope Francis declared that football (both kinds) is now the fifth sacrament of the Catholic Church. The pontiff made his proclamation while wearing a customized Manchester City jersey, which, naturally, led Liverpool fans to accuse him of divine favoritism. read more

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WORLD IN TURMOIL AS FOOTY TAKES CENTER STAGE AMID CHAOS

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By Harmon J. Blatherwick

In a year already jam-packed with geopolitical tensions, corporate scandals, and an unprecedented number of bizarre sporting events, the world turned its attention to what truly mattered: a heated match between Milan and Feyenoord. As footy fanatics rioted over an offside call that required six different VAR reviews, chaos erupted across the globe—highlighted by a Delta plane crash, a Southwest Airlines round of layoffs, and the mysterious disappearance of Pam’s Chicken Nuggets from supermarket shelves. read more

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