Officials confirm progress is being made, specifics are forthcoming, and patience is being redefined.
WASHINGTON — Government officials announced Tuesday that a formal timeline for an important decision will be released at a later date, following a briefing intended to reassure the public that momentum exists somewhere out of view.
Officials confirm the slice is always gone, no one admits responsibility, and everyone feels strangely betrayed.
WASHINGTON — Federal authorities announced the formation of a new task force Monday to investigate a long-standing national mystery: who keeps eating the last slice of shared food and then pretending it never existed.
Officials confirm the temperature change was minor, the reaction was not, and no one remembers who touched it.
SUBURBAN ANYWHERE — What began as a quiet evening inside a perfectly normal home escalated into a full domestic standoff Tuesday night after the thermostat was adjusted one degree higher than its previously agreed-upon setting.
Leaders from around the world gathered Monday to release a joint statement expressing deep concern, cautious optimism, and absolutely no commitment to any specific course of action.
The statement, spanning three pages and translated into twelve languages, confirmed that something is happening, that it is being taken seriously, and that everyone involved agrees it is “very complex.”
Analysts confirm the something has a shape, a direction, and no intention of explaining itself.
NEW YORK — Financial markets moved erratically Tuesday before pausing briefly to reassure the public that recent volatility is “all part of something,” though officials declined to specify what that something is, how long it lasts, or whether anyone is supposed to enjoy it.
Researchers confirm clarity peaks under hot water and immediately vanishes the moment towels are involved.
STANFORD, PROBABLY — A new study published this week confirms what scientists now admit they’ve known for years: the human brain only functions at full capacity while standing in the shower.
Officials praise cooperation, emphasize momentum, and confirm no outcomes were harmed in the process.
WASHINGTON — Lawmakers from both sides of the aisle gathered Tuesday to celebrate a rare moment of unity after successfully reaching a bipartisan agreement to postpone making a decision once again.
Officials confirm pens function independently until the exact moment they are all needed.
WASHINGTON — Federal authorities announced Tuesday the launch of a formal investigation into a long-standing mystery affecting offices, homes, classrooms, and government buildings alike: why every pen in a given location stops working at the same time.
Witnesses confirm no debate occurred, no opposition was present, and no one asked for a follow-up statement.
SUBURBAN ANYWHERE — A local man announced victory Tuesday in what he described as a “long-running argument,” despite overwhelming evidence that no one else was aware such an argument had ever taken place.
Diplomats confirm nothing was resolved, several points were “noted,” and everyone lost an entire afternoon anyway.
GENEVA — A high-level international summit intended to address multiple global crises ended abruptly Tuesday after delegates collectively realized the meeting could’ve been handled via a single, widely ignored email.
