Written by: Blorbo R. Fuddlewump, Senior Moose-Based Chaos Correspondent
OTTAWA — In what experts are calling “a normal Tuesday in Canada” (but what absolutely no one else would describe that way), chaos has erupted across the nation following the unprecedented convergence of hockey playoffs, crypto market spasms, and the inexplicable appearance of Spike Lee at a Star Académie reunion hosted exclusively on TVA Plus.
It All Started With Bitcoin, As All Tragedies Do
At approximately 4:20 a.m. EST (because of course it was), the price of Bitcoin nosedived into the earth’s core faster than a Leafs playoff exit. The Dow Futures and SP500 Futures immediately responded by doing synchronized cannonballs into the financial abyss, dragging the Nikkei 225 and Hang Seng Index down with them like unwilling participants in a cursed conga line.
Pierre Karl Péladeau, CEO of “TVA But Make It Crypto,” responded by holding a press conference on Parliament Hill — shirtless, naturally — yelling “BUY THE DIP!” while riding Michael McCarron like a war steed.
Meanwhile, On Parliament Hill…
A lockdown was declared after a British tourist was detained for asking, “Where can I find good poutine around here, mate?” — a question apparently considered high treason during Black Monday.
Inside the building, Members of Parliament were reportedly betting Dogecoin on the Toronto vs Inter Miami MLS game, while Ruth Ellen Brosseau attempted to livestream the White Lotus Finale using only a Speak & Spell.
Outside, John Amos (yes, from Good Times) and Garou (yes, the Notre-Dame de Paris guy) were spotted arm-wrestling on a pile of discarded hockey sticks left behind after the Canadiens – Predators game ended in triple-overtime when Cole Caufield ascended into the TVA Plus Metaverse.
Sports Arenas Descend Into Madness
Across Canada and beyond, the sports world was not spared.
- Bruins vs Sabres was paused when a holographic Brandi Carlile floated onto the ice singing The Joke at a frequency that shattered Patrik Laine’s visor.
- Penguins vs Blackhawks became a full-contact debate about the UConn vs South Carolina basketball score, refereed by Jay North (Dennis the Menace himself), because why not?
- Over in Blue Jackets vs Senators, Spencer Stastney was busy explaining the plot of To Be Hero X to confused fans while eating a suspiciously glowing poutine.
- The Golden Knights vs Canucks game was interrupted by AEW Dynasty 2025’s surprise guest: a furious Elton John wielding a folding chair and screaming, “GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD IS A SHOOT, BROTHER!”
Meanwhile, On TVA
Calum Scott announced he was launching a cover album of Brooks & Dunn classics in collaboration with Spike Lee and the ghost of the 1923 TV series. TVA immediately greenlit a 12-season spinoff.
TVA Plus, smelling ratings gold, announced a crossover event where Rockers vs Warriors basketball stars would face off against AEW wrestlers while baking Nanaimo bars with Garou and Ruth Ellen Brosseau.
Elsewhere…
In Haliburton, weather reports predicted a spontaneous blizzard made entirely of loose cryptocurrency wallets and pieces of the 上证指数.
In Fredericksburg, a fire broke out at a local Starbucks after a man named Michael Garcia attempted to pay for his venti cold brew in Bitcoin NFTs of John Amos memes.
And in Tylertown MS, nobody noticed anything because they were too busy watching the Man United vs Man City game on a pirated TVA Plus feed powered by pure maple syrup.
Final Thoughts
As the world hurtles toward Selection Sunday and the SRH vs GT cricket match nobody understands but everyone bets on, one thing is certain:
Canada stands at the apex of absurdity.
Some say it’s the weather. Others blame the Social Security Fairness Act Benefits being printed directly onto Girl Scout Cookies. But I know the truth.
This is just another day in the True Free World.
God save the hockey puck.
Blorbo R. Fuddlewump reporting — live from atop a moose made of pure Dogecoin.
