By Chadwick “Chatterbox” McNugget, Senior Correspondent for True Free World
Gulf of America, February 10, 2025 — In an unexpected twist that has baffled sports analysts, astrologers, and Nick Wright alike, Jalen Hurts’ wife has reportedly predicted the exact score of the upcoming Super Bowl while waiting for a free coffee at Starbucks. Witnesses claim she casually announced, “38 to 35, Eagles,” before ordering a venti oat milk latte.
“It was like she was possessed by the spirit of Lady Gaga during her Super Bowl halftime show,” said Brittany Mahomes, who was also in line, undoubtedly wondering if her husband, Patrick, would ever inspire such clairvoyant confidence.
Cooper DeJean Intervenes
Adding to the chaos, Iowa cornerback Cooper DeJean appeared out of nowhere, declaring that he was starting a “Super Bowl Security Initiative” to protect this newfound oracle from paparazzi and rogue statisticians. “Nobody messes with prophecy on my watch,” said DeJean, holding a clipboard with indecipherable X’s and O’s.
Nick Wright Dismisses Prophecy
Fox Sports analyst Nick Wright was quick to downplay the situation. “I mean, come on,” he scoffed. “What does Jalen Hurts’ wife know about football scores that I don’t?” Twitter immediately exploded, with Kendrick Lamar Height truthers adding, “And what’s your height, Nick? Exactly.”
Yeezy Enters the Chat
As if things couldn’t get more surreal, Yeezy himself (formerly Kanye West) posted an Instagram story featuring a graphic of Serena Williams riding an eagle with the caption, “They Not Like Us,” referencing the deep philosophical lyrics from his upcoming album. Fans speculated this was a coded message supporting Hurts’ wife’s prediction.
Travis Kelce Opens a Hotline
In a bid to outdo everyone, Travis Kelce launched a “Super Bowl Psychic Hotline,” promising exclusive insider information on game outcomes, player shoe sizes, and his favorite Starbucks orders.
Starbucks Strikes Back
Corporate executives at Starbucks have reportedly embraced the madness, renaming February 10th as “Free Prophecy Coffee Day.” CEO Howard Schultz issued a statement: “If our coffee can inspire Super Bowl score predictions, who are we to stop destiny?”
Conclusion: A Nation United
As the Gulf of America brims with excitement (geography teachers are still figuring out where that is), one thing is clear: Jalen Hurts’ wife might just be the most powerful figure in sports prophecy today. Whether or not her prediction holds, we can all agree on one thing—free coffee is never a bad idea.
