By Chauncey McLoonigan, True Free World’s Official Correspondent for Cosmic Nonsense and Provincial Hockey Politics
MOOSE JAW (or maybe outer space) — You might be asking yourself, “Did Connor McDavid really adopt a colossal squid during Oilers vs Sharks warmups while George Clooney refereed the Mavericks vs Kings game from inside a 2026 Subaru Outback running on poutine fumes?” And the answer, dear reader, is yes. Probably. Sources are foggy, much like the Aurora Forecast, which currently shows blinding light directly over the Canadiens de Montréal locker room, possibly signaling the end times or just another Spotify outage.
Let’s back up. Or actually, let’s sprint headfirst into the madness.
Hockey is Not Okay
The Hurricanes – Canadiens game ended in chaos after Corey Perry threw a flaming tax return at the referee, shouting, “This one’s for the Bank of Canada!” before being ejected and immediately hired as Alberta’s new Minister of Senseless Rage.
Meanwhile, Logan Couture suffered an injury after slipping on a rogue PlayStation controller, thrown onto the ice by an enraged fan protesting the Sony PlayStation Plus price increase. EMTs say he’s stable and currently watching Runescape Dragonwilds tutorials with Gavin McKenna, who reportedly got bored halfway through the WHL playoffs and decided to pursue dragon slaying professionally.
In Ducks vs Jets, Brock Boeser scored a hat trick, left the ice, passed ICBC’s graduated licensing exam, and drove directly into the Calgary Stampede, where he performed a fiddle solo with Nora Aunor, who was somehow elected mayor mid-performance.
Politics? Sure, Why Not
The Débats des chefs (or was it the French debate?) devolved into a freestyle rap battle between Maxime Bernier and a guy named Brandon Williams, who may have been a plant. A literal plant. Tiffany Fong live-streamed the whole thing from inside a Zellers shopping cart, winning the “Most Sensible Person on the Internet” award.
Oh, and Trump showed up via hologram to declare Real Madrid vs Arsenal “the most important American football game in Spanish history.” He was swiftly tackled by Anthony Davis, who mistook him for a rogue NFL drone.
Speaking of nonsense, a US citizen was detained at the border after yelling “I solved Rachel Morin! It’s Kyrie Irving!” while holding a box of expired insulin and a raw trout. Doctors later confirmed he had an advanced case of Diabetes Mellitus and Dow Jones Derangement Syndrome (DJDS), a condition caused by watching the stock markets today while sleep-deprived and overdosed on Tim Hortons double-doubles.
Outer Space, Obviously
In a Vancouver Rise-sponsored initiative, Canada became the first nation to project Priyanka Deshpande into orbit around K2-18b, where she’ll be conducting high-stakes interviews with theoretical life forms. Real Madrid is apparently fielding a team there to play Inter vs Bayern, with Andrew Wiggins as a guest coach and Zach LaVine DJing the halftime show.
Meanwhile, scientists filmed a colossal squid live in 4K using only a 2026 Subaru Outback’s backup cam and the moral support of Matthew Lawrence, who’s back in the public eye after accidentally becoming the voice of Rebel News’s new ASMR channel: “Whispers of Misinformation.”
Other Stuff That Probably Matters But We’re Too Tired To Parse
- NHL Bracket predictions are now being made using tarot cards and Canadian Tire receipts.
- Playoffs NHL round one involves a fight between Canadiens fans and a swarm of artificially intelligent seagulls.
- DC vs RR has been rescheduled to the next lunar eclipse due to Spotify crashing during the national anthem.
- Katy Perry was not mentioned in this article but insists she had “a weird feeling” around 3:47 pm and we felt that was important to note.
Final Thoughts
Is any of this real? Does George Clooney actually bench press squids for charity? Is Bulgaria a metaphor? Are Canucks just Canadiens in a different hat?
Yes.
And no.
But mostly yes.
This has been Chauncey McLoonigan, reporting live from the eye of the storm, armed with only a broken PS5 controller, a suspicious-looking poutine, and a faint memory of what sanity used to feel like.
Godspeed, Canada.
And to everyone else… good luck.
Disclaimer: This article was written while screaming into a recycled Stanley Cup filled with maple syrup and existential dread. Viewer discretion is advised.
