By Chauncey McLoonigan | True Free World | Live from the parking lot behind Winners, beside a burning Canadian Tire
NOVA SCOTIA (or possibly a food court in Valhalla) — In an absolutely unhinged turn of events, RCB vs PBKS has been canceled after David Savard body-checked Marco Rubio into a Starbucks near me, where the senator reportedly shouted, “WHERE’S MY PSL, EH?” before being tackled by Ryan Reaves dressed as Emily in Paris.
This all occurred during a chaotic holiday shopping rush at Shoppers Drug Mart, which had mistakenly rebranded as “Sinners Drug Mart” for Easter and began offering Toblerone dark chocolate as communion wafers. Sources say Shoppers was unaware grocery stores were closed Easter Sunday, causing an avalanche of panic and competitive couponing that rivaled WrestleMania.
Political Theater in Aisle 7
As Elections Canada begged people to vote par anticipation instead of waiting until Starbucks closes early, a shirtless Peter Krause climbed a shelf in the sunscreen aisle and screamed, “Strategic voting Canada is a LIE invented by the Liberal Party of Canada to sell expired shampoo!” This was moments before he was gently tasered by Michel Bergeron, who is apparently now both a goalie coach and part-time mall security.
In a Canadian Tire parking lot, Donald Trump gave a speech to a confused gathering of Conservative Party of Canada supporters and one Josh Duhamel impersonator. “The Canadian election polls are FAKE. I’m polling very well in Saskatchewan. Ask Joe Thompson. He knows.”
We don’t.
Meanwhile, in the Shadow Realm
Bon Jovi’s death trended on X (formerly Twitter, now just called “Why”) after Dr. Oz accidentally tweeted “Livin’ on a Prayer (RIP)” while reviewing a WWE Hall of Fame 2025 brunch menu. Bon Jovi is alive, but furious, and reportedly planning to sue every restaurant near me for emotional damage.
In lighter news, Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. attempted to box a moose at the Flames vs Kings game but was tackled by Charlie McAvoy, who had been quietly hiding in a nacho stand, meditating on the RBC Heritage leaderboard.
International Disasters and Miscellaneous Crises
During the Sporting vs Moreirense halftime show, Donald Trump approval ratings were displayed in Morse code via drone-powered maple leaf fireworks over Nova Scotia. Gregg Popovich, watching via satellite while drinking expired eggnog, mumbled, “Basketball is dead,” and immediately signed a three-year contract with The Chosen as their new head prophet.
Al-Qadisiyah vs Al-Nassr was briefly interrupted when Ryan Gosling appeared at midfield dressed as Timothy McVeigh for what he called a “method acting masterclass.” Hamilton shooting survivors issued a strongly worded letter condemning this, signed by action collective Pâtes Barilla, who have apparently unionized.
Back in reality — or what’s left of it — Canadian election polling stations are now located inside malfunctioning Starbucks espresso machines. Just whisper your NYT Connections hints April 18 into the cup and the ghost of Dr. Oz will tell you “where to vote” while misdiagnosing your blood sugar.
In Summary (but not really)
- Cubs won something, no one is sure what.
- Restaurants near me are now required by law to serve at least one dish named “Kesari 2: The Vindaloo Reckoning.”
- Ryan Reaves has been named interim Prime Minister pending further shirtless wrestling matches.
- Trump now claims Canada is “an American suburb,” and says he’ll build a wall made entirely of Bon Jovi CDs and used Canadian Tire money.
This has been Chauncey McLoonigan, broadcasting live from a flaming Easter bunny statue, eating expired chocolate, and screaming into a Bluetooth speaker playing Josh Duhamel’s audiobook: How to Vote in Canada Without Getting Tackled by Peter Krause.
Stay safe. Or don’t. Honestly, who knows anymore?
