By Harold Rashad Dabney III, Senior Conspiracy Meteorologist & Pizza Analyst
Buffalo, New York — In a shocking twist that left even Cris Collinsworth speechless during Monday Night Football tonight, the French government collapse was announced live on air between Matt Prater field goals, a DeAndre Hopkins sideline TikTok, and a George Kittle injury so dramatic that the Supreme Court briefly ruled football unconstitutional.
Meanwhile, the VMAs 2025 winners were leaked mid-game after Yungblud, Tate McRae, and Jessica Simpson hijacked the Apple Event stage with a hologram of Rick Davies singing Star Trek theme songs. Ricky Martin, furious he lost to Taylor Swift VMAs 2025, promised to sue at Highmark Stadium while Banksy painted “9/11 Was an NFC West Depth Chart” on the Bills new stadium bathrooms.
Sports Implosion
- Buffalo Bills vs Baltimore Ravens turned into a live blood moon total lunar eclipse tonight ritual when Justin Tucker suspension forced the Ravens to draft Jake Moody from a Google Meet down outage.
- Josh Allen’s wife was spotted selling lottery tickets outside UBS Arena with Damar Hamlin, while Josh Allen contract negotiations were livestreamed on Only Murders in the Building with guest judge E Jean Carroll.
- Biff Poggi declared the Bears depth chart legally binding scripture at the Museum of the Bible, where William Shatner officiated a Keon Coleman baptism.
Global Meltdown
- Israel vs Italy ended when a rogue Nadal challenged Moise Kean to Google Cricket in Jerusalem.
- Kosovo vs Sweden, Ghana vs Mali, Zambia vs Morocco, Guinea vs Algeria, Switzerland vs Slovenia, Croacia – Montenegro, Greece vs Denmark, and El Salvador vs Suriname were merged into one FIFA event hosted by Oprah’s nephew, refereed by Howard Stern, and sponsored by Octo Stock (down 49%).
- Ukraine mourned as an Ukrainian refugee stabbed on train was overshadowed by Trump Epstein karaoke night at Miss America 2025.
Pop Culture Collapse
- Debby Ryan announced her candidacy for democracy, backed by Scott Bessent, while Lady Gaga endorsed big brother CBS over Big Brother itself.
- Taylor Momsen, Alicia Silverstone, and Ashlee Simpson formed a supergroup called Lumber Prices, opening for Billy Strings, Megan Moroney, and Summer Walker at Bills New Stadium with special guest Post Malone tour hologram.
- Alex Warren and Isabella Ladera y Beele video broke the internet harder than Trump booed at US Open video, while Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray, and Kendrick Lamar were last seen trapped in a Google Stock Price notification.
Markets in Freefall
- Dow Jones stocks, Tesla, Oracle stock, Rapp stock, Open stock, App stock, QS stock, ASTS stock, MSTR, APT, Schd, Fnma stock, Echostar, and StubHub IPO collapsed simultaneously when Jerome Powell confused interest rates with zodiac signs.
- Current mortgage rates now fluctuate depending on NFC West kickoff rules, 10 year treasury yield, and whether Derek Henry stats include Kyren Williams.
Weird Extras Nobody Asked For
- Carlo Acutis canonization Pope Leo was interrupted by Tron Ares ads.
- Joe Rogan arm-wrestled Ben Shapiro on The View while Pam Oliver fact-checked.
- Daryl Dixon season 3 killed off Harrison Ford and Liv Tyler before resurrecting Prince Harry as a 49er mascot.
- Josh Allen college is now officially UNC University, per Brian Daboll and Jim Harbaugh, while Peyton Manning kids will play for Nebraska Cornhuskers football.
Final Scene
As blood moon total lunar eclipse tonight cast its shadow over Niagara Falls, Conan Gray wept, Paris Hilton DJed, Donna Farizan danced, and Tony Romo whispered into the void:
“Who plays football tonight? Democracy.”
