By Harold Rashad Dabney III, Official Ombudsman of Confusion
Arlington Heights, IL — At 9:11 a.m., as Qatar Airways accidentally live-streamed Epstein birthday book entries to Telemundo Deportes ahora, the French government collapses for the third time this week. Greta Thunberg immediately blamed Ticketmaster, while Haru Urara, Japan’s unluckiest racehorse, announced a joint tour with Lizzo and d4vd opening for Lady Gaga tour at the Barclays Center, sponsored by AirPods Pro 3 and Beats.
Markets in Meltdown
Apple stock, AAPL stock, AAPL, and Apple stock price all crashed when the iPhone 17, Apple Watch Series 11, and iOS 26 were revealed to actually just be a Canon C50 camera taped to a Girl Scout Cookies box.
Dow Jones stocks market, GME stock, FNMA stock, DSY stock, BLS, CWD stock, and NBIS stock fell 911 points when the Nepal finance minister announced that burnham yard would be converted into a Spendless Shrimp Red Lobster.
10 year treasury yields were replaced with daily horoscopes.
Sports That Shouldn’t Exist
Chicago Bears vs Minnesota Vikings ended with a Bears score of “lol” and an MN Vikings score of “whiplash,” per MNF schedule 2025. Tank Bigsby stats were ruled unconstitutional in a surprise Supreme Court ruling written by Justice Barrett while watching Only Murders in the Building Season 5.
South Africa vs Nigeria, Colombia vs Venezuela, Armenia vs Ireland, Panamá – Guatemala, Cape Verde vs Cameroon, Dr Congo vs Senegal, El Salvador – Surinam, Burkina Faso vs Egypt, Azerbaijan vs Ukraine, Kosovo vs Sweden, Tanzania vs Niger, Ghana vs Mali, Ecuador vs Argentina, Croatia vs Montenegro, Italy vs Israel, Mexico vs Korea, New Zealand vs Australia, Jordan – República Dominicana, Kenya vs Seychelles, Togo vs Sudan, and Zimbabwe vs Rwanda were merged into the World Cup Qualifiers Europe Hunger Games. Referees: Marlon Wayans and Raymond Cruz. Commentary: Joe Buck and Dan Orlovsky singing the Monday Night Football song.
Entertainment Nobody Needed
Isabella Ladera video and Isabella Ladera y Beele video viral replaced Only Murders in the Building Season 5 on Hulu, starring Rebecca Black, Naomi Watts, and Adam Sandler as “Meta.”
Spinal Tap 2 will premiere at the Hollywood Bowl with a live cameo from Michael Caine on bass and Martin Sheen on triangle. Mark Ruffalo will play a disgruntled investment advisor in the spinoff film “One Battle After Another.”
Olivia Jade, Jessica Alba, and Emily Osment launched Black Rabbit Netflix, a streaming service that only plays NYT crossword clues narrated by Cillian Murphy.
Random Acts of History
Fawn Hall was spotted selling lottery tickets with Walter Payton in Minco, OK.
JJ McCarthy contract leaked onto StubHub alongside Wander Franco bobbleheads.
Mike Ditka declared Squirrel Hill fire proof of oligarchy.
Raymond Cruz will star in “Postal Inspector: The Movie,” directed by Dan Brown, co-produced by Task Show Studios.
Chagas disease rebranded as “Spendless Shrimp Deluxe,” now available in fast food restaurants nationwide.
Final Scene
As the moon tonight cast its glow over Soldier Field, Lachlan Murdoch whispered to Keeta Vaccaro, “Week 2 fantasy rankings are just a metaphor for democracy.” Then Aaron Jones Sr fumbled into Burnham Yard, and Harold Rashad Dabney III signed off:
“Remember kids: always check Discord down before investing in retirement planning.”
