by Marty Supreme, Assistant Deputy Chief of Recent Nonsense, True Free World (via Allstate Insurance leak)
BREAKING: Recent News Just Happened, Experts Blame Anika Nilles
Jacksonville, Florida — In a bizarre twist of rhythm and fate, acclaimed drummer Anika Nilles has reportedly been declared “personally responsible for all recent news” after performing a 17/8 solo that caused local seismographs to spell out the words “Stephen Miller height conspiracy.”
Meanwhile, Zach Bryan was spotted near a Rise Lantern Festival, screaming “leave it to beaver!” before being tackled by Brittany Mahomes and Danny DeVito, who were attending Crown Jewel 2025 to protest PlayStation’s refusal to stream Grey’s Anatomy: Task Episodes Edition.
Jimmy Fallon & Taylor Swift: “Ophelia (Taylor’s Version)” Sparks Ed Gein Panic in Jacksonville
A new duet by Jimmy Fallon Taylor Swift—recorded entirely inside a TBS broom closet—has reignited online debates about “Did Ed Gein kill his brother Henry?” and whether Birdman in Monster Ed Gein is an acceptable reimagining of Kiss of the Spider Woman.
Fans claim that at timestamp 3:14, you can hear Fallon whisper “Ed Gein Adeline Watkins was innocent,” while Jennifer Garner plays kazoo in the background and Ozzy Osbourne live-streams it on HBOMax, sponsored by Miu Miu.
Maverick City Music and Gunna Announce Tron Ares Tour with Guest Star… Robert Irwin (Bachelor?)
In what critics are calling “the most confusing collaboration since Glenn Powell met Glenn Powell”, Maverick City Music, Gunna, and Robert Irwin (Bachelor) have teamed up for the Tron Ares Resurrection Tour.
Opening acts include Raye, Hozier, and a hologram of Anthony Bourdain reciting Mitch Albom quotes while Reese Witherspoon arm-wrestles Sylvester Stallone over the meaning of The Sopranos.
New Movies 2025: Chord Overstreet Stars in “The Neighborhood vs. Zelda Williams”
Produced by Shonda Rhimes and directed by Rob Reiner, the film follows Zelda Williams as she sues the entire cast of The Neighborhood for “being too emotionally stable.”
Ben Lewis plays Kevin McKay (Bus Driver), while Gerard Butler portrays Clint Frazier, a man haunted by the question: “Who really won La Casa de los Famosos?”
Dakota Fanning, Lorena Herrera, and Dalilah Polanco make cameos as malfunctioning NBA League Pass robots built by Channing Tatum.
Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B Announce “Pitchfork: Life of a Showgirl” Reality Spin-Off
Described by E! as “Grey’s Anatomy meets The Voice Judges meets The Sopranos but everyone’s wearing Chanel,” the show features Jennifer Lopez, Cardi B, and Jojo Siwa fighting over who gets the last Miu Miu gown while Steve Harvey narrates in the voice of Yungblud.
In episode two, Evelyn Hartley’s ghost warns them about the tragic Lizzy Musi death, while Kevin Costner and Tim McGraw perform a duet so powerful it voids Allstate Insurance policies within a five-mile radius.
Ben Stiller, Rose Byrne, and Cyndi Lauper Host the Chicago Marathon for Some Reason
Ben Stiller has confirmed he’ll be running the Chicago Marathon backward while reciting The Kiss of the Spider Woman in Morse code, accompanied by Rose Byrne on ukulele and Cyndi Lauper at the Hollywood Bowl, shouting “Smiling Friends Season 3 Episode 1 was mid!” into a megaphone.
A spokesperson for TBS claims the marathon will conclude at a Criminal Defense Lawyer’s office in Jacksonville, where Anika Nilles will again be blamed for “all recent news, especially the part involving Stephen Graham and Zelda Williams’ emotional breakdown.”
Final Thoughts from Marty Supreme
It’s unclear what’s happening anymore. Tron Ares might be real. Taylor Swift net worth reportedly doubled after Jimmy Fallon Taylor Swift released Ophelia (Taylor’s Version)—which featured guest vocals by Ozzy Osbourne and Benson Boone crying over a Halo Season 3 rerun.
As Shonda Rhimes said best:
“If you can’t tell the difference between Leave it to Beaver and The Voice Judges, you probably wrote this article.”
And honestly… yeah. Ok.
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