Brought to you by FotMob, Yalla Shoot Live, and whatever’s left of your Amazon account after attackers keep “warning” you they’re stealing it.
OTTAWA – In a bold diplomatic move that has confused literally everyone, Canada has issued a travel advisory for Australia, citing “unpredictable wildlife, rogue barbecues, and the ongoing threat of people named Colleen Jones becoming too powerful in the southern hemisphere.” Officials insist this has nothing to do with last week’s tempête de neige in Quebec, which knocked out Wi-Fi and sent half the country into Wordle withdrawal.
Meanwhile, airlines continue to cancel flights to Venezuela, which is totally unrelated to the Ethiopian volcano eruption that managed to trend below “Smriti Mandhana wore a nice jacket” on Twitter.
SPORTS (?)
In Champions League chaos, Chelsea vs Barcelona has now happened so many times that UEFA is just calling it “Chelsea – Barcelone” and pretending it’s French cuisine. Barca complained the translation made them sound like a dessert, but their protests were ignored after Lamine Yamal dribbled past four reporters on his way out of the press room.
Elsewhere in Europe, fans were thrilled by Man City vs Leverkusen, Dortmund vs Villarreal, and Marseille vs Newcastle. Bodø/Glimt vs Juventus was briefly interrupted when a Tata Sierra rolled onto the pitch for reasons police describe as “Scandinavian.”
FotMob celebrated record traffic; Flashscore cried in the corner.
CANADA
Ottawa Senators fans were distracted from an actual NHL game (Senators vs Kings) because they were too busy watching “Cavaliers vs Raptors” on a pirate stream hosted by something called Yalla Shoot, which experts believe is either a sports site or a front for the ShamWow guy’s comeback tour.
Also, the Ontario government unveiled Bill 60, widely described as “no one knows what it is, but it sounds serious.” CPP payment dates continue to confuse people who swear the calendar is gaslighting them.
A Chilliwack fire briefly threatened the town’s supply of Campbell Soup and Coca Cola, sending stock markets into mild chaos. Baba stock went down; Goog stock went sideways; AMD stock went up because… well, who knows.
Meanwhile, Quebec CEGEPs cut sports programs, possibly because the curling scores were too powerful for mortal men.
ENTERTAINMENT
Hollywood chaos:
• Rush Hour 4 reportedly cast Eric Dane as a traffic cone.
• Kate Beckinsale, Eva Green, and Elizabeth Olsen all trended after someone mistakenly announced Dancing with the Stars finale would include a cameo from Morgan Freeman as a sentient Happy Meal.
• Stranger Things Season 5 release date leaked on Telegram, which also accidentally leaked someone’s grocery list and a fake Bitcoin ATM receipt.
• Tyler Perry announced a new film called “Man on the Inside,” which critics say is either a thriller or a Subway closures documentary.
Chris Hemsworth denied involvement in Guns N Roses World Tour 2026, though insiders say he will appear at the Vans Warped Tour 2026 Montreal as “Shirtless Australian Guy #1.”
INTERNATIONAL
Ukraine made headlines after someone Photoshopped Richard Branson onto a tank.
South Africa vs India caused a diplomatic argument over who made the better tea.
Zimbabwe vs Sri Lanka ended when both teams stopped playing to watch Logan Cooley highlights.
Madagascar trended because someone thought the island was named after the movie.
A Jamaica leptospirosis outbreak briefly overshadowed a report about a virus in Cuba, which people ignored because Bryce Young threw an interception at the same moment.
ECONOMY
Dow Jones went down.
Meta stock went up.
NVDA exploded into the stratosphere because someone said “AI.”
Buy Bitcoin trended; Sell Bitcoin also trended; insurance prices rose either way.
Ticketmaster crashed after Fred Again announced a Vancouver 2025 show, followed by the Goo Goo Dolls Halifax event selling out in 14 seconds, which scientists confirmed was “mathematically impossible.”
WEATHER
A polar vortex threatens Canada.
Winter storms keep slapping the Midwest like they’re in Rush Hour 4.
Regina weather remains legally classified as “unpleasant.”
Calgary road conditions now require chains, prayers, and possibly Morgan Freeman narration.
AND FINALLY…
The Premier League table shifted again after Chelsea lost, won, tied, and spiritually combusted all in the same week.
Man U vs Everton was so boring Thomas King submitted it to EQAO as a standardized test question.
Phil Rosenthal asked why Subway closures keep happening.
Kevin Hart blamed Zach Bryan.
Bianca Censori blamed Kanye.
Kate Middleton blamed “les armes.”
And Michael Jordan blamed the Raptors score because why not.
When asked for comment, Bruce Willis said nothing, but everyone applauded anyway.
Chris Hemsworth cried.
ShamWow guy sold three towels.
And Morgan Freeman whispered:
“I can see clearly now… but I kinda wish I couldn’t.”
