WASHINGTON — In a revelation that has somehow surprised absolutely no one paying attention, a new True Free World investigation confirms that several billionaire candidates running for office this year are not human, or even alive, but fully ascended liches sustaining themselves through money, influence, and questionable amulets.
The news broke after campaign staffers noticed their bosses:
• avoiding sunlight during ribbon-cuttings
• hissing softly when asked about minimum wage
• carrying ancient spellbooks labeled “TAX LOOPHOLES: ADVANCED NECROMANCY”
One tech mogul–turned–senate hopeful, who reportedly hasn’t blinked since 2009, was exposed after a staffer caught him chanting in an abandoned boardroom, surrounded by glowing stock certificates arranged in a perfect summoning circle. The ritual was later identified as “a standard wealth-preservation spell used by high-level undead.”
Political analysts say this explains why billionaire candidates:
• always talk about “reviving the economy” with the confidence of someone who has literally revived themselves
• refuse to disclose their medical records, citing “mortal concerns”
• get visibly uncomfortable around holy water and grassroots organizers
A senior campaign strategist, speaking anonymously because they “like having a soul,” told True Free World: “Look, the guy may consume life essence to prolong his influence, but he polls amazingly with suburban homeowners. You can’t teach charisma like that.”
Congressional ethics committees are scrambling to determine whether undeath violates eligibility rules. So far, they’ve ruled that:
• technically, liches do count as ‘natural persons’ for campaign donation limits
• phylacteries must be disclosed as assets
• soul-harvesting during debates is “frowned upon but not explicitly illegal”
When asked for comment, one billionaire-lich candidate stared silently for eleven seconds before saying, “I look forward to serving the public,” in a voice that echoed like a malfunctioning crypt.
Experts warn that if elected, lich candidates are expected to prioritize “long-term economic stability,” which in lich terms means the next thousand years.
True Free World will continue following this story as long as our newsroom shields hold.
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