CAMBRIDGE — A new report from leading cosmologists has confirmed that the universe is still expanding at an accelerating rate and, according to researchers, the reason appears to be simple: it is extremely anxious.
The announcement followed a decade of cosmological data showing galaxies retreating from each other faster than expected, like introverts spotting someone they sorta know in a grocery store aisle.
Dr. Helena Moretti, lead astrophysicist on the project, explained the findings at a press conference that began on time and ended in emotional confusion.
“This is less of a physical phenomenon and more of a cosmic vibe check,” she said, adjusting her glasses like someone who has stared too long into the abyss. “Space seems to be pulling away from everything around it in an attempt to avoid responsibility. Honestly, we get it.”
The data suggests the universe’s anxiety began rising roughly thirteen billion years ago, shortly after it realized how big it was going to get and how few support systems were in place to help.
Researchers say symptoms include:
• rapid expansion
• inability to slow down
• intermittent cosmic background radiation that sounds like panicked breathing
• what one scientist described as “general existential fidgeting”
The team attempted to interview the universe directly using a series of radio pulses. They received only static and what some interpreted as a distressed sigh.
Experts say the cause of the universe’s anxiety may be tied to its constant pressure to make sense, hold everything together, and maintain gravity at socially acceptable levels.
“It’s doing its best,” said Dr. Moretti. “Imagine being responsible for every atom, star, black hole, planet, cosmic embarrassment and quantum mistake. You’d want some space too.”
Several senators immediately demanded to know if the universe’s anxiety posed a national threat. Scientists responded that the biggest danger was “people using the findings to avoid therapy.”
The public reaction has been surprisingly supportive. Millions took to social media to declare the universe “relatable,” “just like me fr,” and “absolutely valid for feeling overwhelmed.”
Therapists say this is the first time in history that humans have looked at the cosmos and said, out loud, “Same.”
In an attempt to help, researchers are planning a series of calming interventions for the universe that include:
• sending soothing radio signals
• dimming some stars to create “ambient mood lighting”
• playing a guided meditation narrated by Morgan Freeman against the cosmic microwave background
Will any of it work? Hard to say.
Dr. Moretti shrugged as the press conference wrapped up, her voice soft but hopeful.
“The universe might keep expanding forever. And that’s okay. Sometimes growth is messy. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it happens because you’re freaking out. But hey, at least it’s growing.”
True Free World will update this story as soon as the universe answers the group text.
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