New International Treaty Requires Countries to Stop Pretending Their Weather Is ‘Normal’

Leaders agree to finally acknowledge that whatever’s happening outside is absolutely not fine.

BRUSSELS — In an unprecedented display of meteorological honesty, 89 nations have signed the Global Agreement on Weather Realism, a landmark treaty requiring governments to publicly admit that the sky has become a chaotic circus and no one knows what season it is anymore.

“For too long, nations have maintained the illusion that their weather is experiencing a ‘temporary anomaly,’” said lead negotiator Dr. Amira Thorne, staring hollow-eyed at a chart illustrating hailstorms in Qatar, December heat waves in Norway, and a video of a single confused cloud refusing to move over Kansas. “This treaty is about finally telling the truth; the atmosphere is improvising, and not in a good way.”

Under the agreement, all countries must begin issuing Realistic Forecasts, which ditch technical jargon for human emotion. Early drafts include:

• United States: “We don’t know what this is. Bring everything you own.”
• Australia: “It’s hot, but like… aggressively hot.”
• United Kingdom: “Rain. The same amount as always. Forever.”
• Japan: “We’re calling this one Forbidden Wind.”
• Canada: “It’s cold; sorry about that.”

A new international weather hotline will provide unified updates such as “What the hell?” and “Nope, we didn’t expect that either.”

Meteorologists worldwide have welcomed the treaty, relieved they no longer need to pretend the climate is behaving logically. “I used to say things like ‘seasonal fluctuation,’” said Spanish forecaster Marta Ruiz. “Now I can just say ‘this storm is mad at someone and we’re not sure who.’ It’s liberating.”

The treaty also bans officials from using optimistic phrases like “returning to normal,” “stabilizing trend,” or “ideal beach weather” unless scientists can prove those words aren’t lies. So far, none can.

Critics warn the agreement might cause panic, but supporters argue people already panic every time the weather app says “???”, which has become increasingly common in recent months.

The final joint declaration ends with a level of candor never before seen in global diplomacy:

“We, the undersigned nations, admit the weather is unhinged. May our honesty bring clarity, or at the very least, emotional closure.”