By Biff “Heartthrob” Carmichael, Senior Satirist for True Free World
February 14, 2025 — It’s Valentine’s Day, or as the internet insists, Día de San Valentín, and while love is allegedly in the air, so is mass confusion. From yet another whale swallowing a kayaker to the Eagles parade being interrupted by a rogue marching band, the world is once again proving that romance is best left to the professionals—like reality show producers and Dolly Parton.
Walmart Checkout Policy Sparks Nationwide Revolt
The happiest day for overpriced flowers turned into the angriest day for Walmart shoppers as customers launched an uprising over the store’s newest checkout policy: You Scan, We Judge. “I just wanted to buy some discounted Valentine’s chocolate for my bae,” said Hunter King, a heartbroken customer who was detained after failing to scan a single greeting card properly. Meanwhile, probationary federal employees watching the chaos unfold from the self-checkout line were left wondering if they should unionize.
Whale Swallows Kayaker, Mistakes Him for Reality TV Producer
For the third time this year, a whale has swallowed a kayaker, but this time, witnesses claim it was a targeted attack. The kayaker, a self-proclaimed Love Is Blind Season 8 producer, was reportedly scouting for potential contestants when the whale intervened. “The whale must have seen what we did to season 7 and just said ‘nope,’” he gasped upon being spit out onto the beach.
USS Harry Truman Hosts Unofficial ‘All Star Game’ Amidst Aircraft Carrier Confusion
In a scheduling disaster of epic proportions, the USS Harry Truman mistakenly became the site of the 2025 NBA All-Star Game after an intern confused the carrier’s deck for a regulation court. While the Warriors vs. Rockets showdown continued as planned, players were seen nervously side-eyeing jet fighters taking off mid-game. The event ended when an emergency landing by American Airlines forced Stephen Curry to flee mid-three-pointer.
Jack The Ripper’s Identity ‘Revealed’ Again, Internet Still Unmoved
A team of historians announced that new evidence has emerged identifying Jack the Ripper, but the internet collectively shrugged. “At this point, unless it turns out to be Dolly Parton moonlighting as a time-traveling vigilante, I’m not interested,” tweeted one skeptic. Mikey Madison, fresh off her Oscar win for Best Picture, has reportedly been cast in an upcoming comic book movie where she plays a modern-day investigator hunting the infamous killer, much to the delight of Yellowjackets fans.
Chernobyl Tourism Hits Record Highs Thanks to Valentine’s Day Promotions
In a bold marketing move, Chernobyl has rebranded itself as a top-tier Valentine’s Day getaway. Travel agencies are promoting San Valentín: Glow Up Edition, offering couples candlelit tours of abandoned buildings, radiation-free (probably) picnic spots, and Split Fiction-themed escape rooms. “What better way to say ‘I love you’ than with a place that has actual glowing history?” asked a travel spokesperson.
Stonewall National Monument Replaces Engagement Proposals With ‘Reality Check’ Booth
Couples planning to propose at the historic Stonewall National Monument were met with a new feature this year: the Reality Check Booth. “Before you pop the question, we just want to make sure you know their middle name and whether they secretly hate your dog,” said a volunteer. The move was inspired by studies showing that 82% of public proposals end with someone saying, “I mean… I guess?”
Danielle Sassoon and Melyssa Ford Co-Host the First-Ever ‘Romance Intervention’ Special
Tired of the chaos surrounding modern love, Danielle Sassoon and Melyssa Ford have teamed up to host Romance Intervention, a show dedicated to saving failing relationships. Their first guest? A man who ruined Valentine’s Day by gifting his wife an NFT of a Happy Valentine’s Day Image instead of an actual present. “We’re here to prevent breakups, one horrible decision at a time,” Sassoon declared.
Conclusion: Cupid Has No Idea What He’s Doing
As the world continues to fumble romance in spectacular fashion, one thing is clear: love may be blind, but it’s also deeply confused. Whether you’re dodging checkout lane injustices, questioning the legitimacy of All-Star Games, or escaping the wrath of a vengeful whale, remember—at least you didn’t propose on a jumbotron today. Happy Valentine’s Day!
