Global Alliance Formed to Finally Decide How Many Emails Constitute ‘Too Many’

Diplomats split between 37, 5, and “one is already pushing it.”

VIENNA — After decades of unchecked digital chaos, 101 nations have joined forces to create the International Email Sanity Accord, a sweeping agreement aimed at determining the exact moment when a reasonable inbox becomes a war crime.

The summit opened with emotional testimonies from diplomats who have suffered at the hands of relentless “quick follow-ups,” four-paragraph reminders sent five minutes after the original message, and entire chains that could’ve been replaced with a shrug.

“This is not just policy,” said lead negotiator Hana Dupree, rubbing her temples like she knew what true suffering felt like. “This is about human dignity. No one should wake up to 87 unread messages, 60 percent of which say ‘per my last email.’”

The proposed global standards include:

• The ‘Five Email Rule’: After five messages, the conversation must be legally upgraded to a phone call, a video chat, or if necessary, smoke signals.
• Attachment Amnesty: Citizens may no longer write “see attached” when the attachment isn’t actually attached. Punishment: attaching it the second time with an apology longer than needed.
• Reply-All Restrictions: Reply-all is now classified as a controlled substance; improper use requires a written explanation to the UN.
• Mandatory Cooldown Period: Anyone considering sending an email longer than 300 words must first lie down on the floor for two minutes and rethink their life.

Tensions rose early when Germany insisted the global inbox limit should never exceed 12 messages, while Italy argued that email overwhelm is a “state of mind” and suggested no limit at all. Japan proposed 37. Brazil offered a range between “zero” and “whatever feels right spiritually.”

The United States sent a 28-slide presentation explaining their position, which no one read because it arrived as a PDF titled “FINAL VERSION 17.”

Canada apologized six times before the meeting even started, including for a typo in an email from 2014.

In an unexpected twist, the UK’s delegation voted to leave halfway through, prompting someone to whisper, “Classic.”

To enforce the new rules, the UN plans to deploy Inbox Peacekeepers, armed with delete buttons and the authority to confiscate laptops from chronic late-night emailers.

The summit concluded with a rare unanimous statement:

“For the sake of humanity, let us end needless inbox suffering. Also, please confirm you’ve received this statement.”