UN urges both sides to consider a ceasefire or at least switch to wipes.
HAMILTON — A peaceful suburban household descended into open conflict yesterday after an unidentified member of the family placed the toilet paper roll in what relatives described as “the wrong orientation,” reigniting a long-standing feud that experts fear may now be irreversible.
Within minutes of the roll being discovered in the underhand position—a configuration officially recognized by the Geneva Convention as “chaotic evil”—tensions skyrocketed.
“It’s about respect,” said mother-of-three Nora Dalton, pointing accusingly at the bathroom in question as though it were a crime scene. “Over means over. Under means you were raised by wolves.”
Her husband, Mike, tried calming the situation by claiming he didn’t even notice which direction the roll faced, a statement that triggered audible gasps and pushed the household to DEFCON 2.
The couple’s teenage daughter, Chloe, quickly took sides with her mother, forming the Coalition for Roll Freedom, while Mike rallied their son, Tyler, into what he called the Axis of Under, a group that insists the orientation “doesn’t matter” and “everyone is overreacting.”
Negotiations quickly collapsed.
UN peacekeepers were briefly contacted but declined involvement after learning the fight involved domestic bathroom logistics; historically the most volatile of conflict zones.
Psychologists report that toilet paper orientation disputes are among the most persistent and emotionally charged arguments in modern families, ranking just above “stop touching the thermostat” and “don’t put the dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is right there.”
Researchers at the Institute for Pointless Chaos confirm that arguments of this nature typically escalate through the following stages:
- The Discovery:
A scream from the bathroom. A thud. A door flung open. - The Initial Accusation:
“WHO DID THIS? WHO?” - The Moral Standoff:
Family members debating for far too long whether the roll’s orientation reflects deeper flaws in someone’s character. - The Take-Back Attempt:
Someone tries to quietly fix the roll without admitting fault. - The Final Explosion:
“IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PAPER, IT’S ABOUT THE PRINCIPLE.”
In a development that shocked observers, the family’s cat—long suspected of knocking over rolls deliberately—has released a statement through its representative, denying all involvement and refusing to answer further questions.
As the conflict continues, neighbors report hearing muffled shouting, including the phrases:
“This is why we can’t have nice things,”
“Google says over is correct,”
and
“If you want it under, move to another house!”
Late last night, the household issued a temporary ceasefire to allow everyone bathroom access. However, both sides remain entrenched, and analysts predict a full resolution may take years or possibly generations.
A final joint communiqué from both factions reads:
“We will never agree. But we will continue buying toilet paper in bulk.”
Support Independent Satire
Your contribution helps keep True Free World confusing the powerful, enlightening the masses, and occasionally breaking international law by accident.
