WASHINGTON — Federal agencies confirmed today that they have no explanation for why Schedule 3 drugs, Greg Biffle, and Puka Nacua all trended nationally within the same 24-hour period.
“It’s not illegal,” said one official. “It’s just… deeply unsettling.”
Analysts initially suspected a coordinated campaign, but investigations revealed the trend was driven by a chaotic mix of late-night Googling, fantasy football arguments, and at least one group chat that should’ve been muted years ago.
Medical experts attempted to weigh in on Schedule 3 drugs before being derailed by questions about NASCAR. Sports analysts tried to discuss Nacua’s performance but were repeatedly asked if it was “related to the drugs thing.”
No one knew what the Greg Biffle connection was. Everyone agreed it felt important anyway.
The White House briefly considered issuing a statement but decided against it after realizing they would have to explain all three topics in a single paragraph.
Citizens are advised to log off, hydrate, and stop clicking things out of curiosity.
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