Officials confirm millions spent, zero socks recovered, and morale “critically low.”
WASHINGTON — A newly formed federal task force has been officially assigned to investigate one of the nation’s most persistent mysteries: who keeps leaving one sock behind every single time laundry is done.
The initiative, announced quietly late Tuesday, brings together experts from logistics, psychology, physics, and “someone who just seemed very confident,” according to internal documents.
“We’re not saying this is a priority,” said one official. “We’re saying it keeps happening, and frankly, people are asking questions.”
A Mystery Older Than Trust in Institutions
The phenomenon, known internally as Unilateral Sock Disappearance Events, affects households across all demographics. Studies confirm the missing sock is never the ugly one. It is always the good one.
Investigators are currently exploring several leading theories, including:
• Socks entering a pocket dimension
• Washing machines demanding sacrifices
• Socks achieving independence and fleeing
• A coordinated but deeply personal vendetta
“We find it statistically improbable that this many socks simply vanish,” said a task force spokesperson. “At some point, it stops being laundry and starts being a pattern.”
Millions Spent, Answers Pending
According to budget disclosures, the task force has already spent several million dollars, mostly on whiteboards, string, and replacement socks “for morale.”
One leaked photo shows a corkboard labeled THE CYCLE, connecting photos of dryers, bedrooms, and a single sock taped dramatically in the center.
Critics argue the resources could be better used elsewhere. Supporters counter that this is exactly the kind of investigation the public secretly wants, but will deny supporting if asked directly.
Public Reaction: Mixed but Deeply Invested
When news broke, citizens expressed a strange mix of frustration and validation.
“Finally,” said one resident. “Someone’s admitting this isn’t normal.”
Others compared the investigation to previous government efforts that seemed technically legitimate but emotionally unnecessary. One commentator described it as “an investigation we shouldn’t be doing, but absolutely will.”
No Resolution in Sight
Officials caution that results may take years.
“There’s a strong chance we never find the sock,” admitted the task force lead. “But what we will find is closure. Or at least a report.”
In the meantime, Americans are advised to continue pairing socks optimistically, while preparing emotionally for disappointment.
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