Officials confirm pens function independently until the exact moment they are all needed.
WASHINGTON — Federal authorities announced Tuesday the launch of a formal investigation into a long-standing mystery affecting offices, homes, classrooms, and government buildings alike: why every pen in a given location stops working at the same time.
The inquiry was initiated after multiple agencies reported identical incidents involving paperwork deadlines, hastily signed forms, and sudden, universal ink failure.
“We’re not accusing the pens,” said a spokesperson. “We’re just asking why none of them are willing to cooperate.”
Pattern of Failure Raises Questions
According to investigators, the phenomenon follows a consistent pattern. Pens appear plentiful and functional until a critical moment, at which point every available option produces faint scratches, broken lines, or nothing at all.
One analyst described the situation as “statistically impossible and emotionally targeted.”
Officials admitted the investigation may overlap with previous efforts to determine where all the time went, noting that both cases involve disappearance, denial, and people insisting everything was fine five minutes ago.
Task Force Asks the Tough Questions
During a press briefing, one official summarized the inquiry’s approach with a familiar refrain: “I’m just asking questions.”
Those questions include:
- Why pens work perfectly during nonessential doodling
- Why shaking them never helps but feels necessary
- Why borrowing a pen guarantees it will also fail
- Why this always happens when witnesses are present
Early findings suggest the issue intensifies in meetings, medical offices, and any situation involving clipboards.
Officials Say Answers Will Come Eventually
Authorities reassured the public that clarity is coming, though not immediately.
“This investigation will definitely make sense later,” one spokesperson said, adding that timelines remain flexible and conclusions may be symbolic rather than useful.
Critics argue the probe represents misplaced priorities, with one senior analyst quietly calling it “an investigation we shouldn’t be doing.” Officials declined to comment on that assessment but nodded slowly.
Public Reaction: Familiar Frustration
Citizens expressed a mix of validation and exhaustion upon hearing the announcement.
“I knew it wasn’t just me,” said one man, who reported owning twelve pens, none of which currently function. “I thought I was losing my mind.”
Experts note the emotional response mirrors reactions seen in other domestic breakdowns, where minor failures escalate into personal grievances and unresolved tension.
Investigation Expected to Produce Report
Authorities confirmed the task force will publish a comprehensive report outlining findings, possible explanations, and next steps, though expectations are modest.
“Best case,” one official said, “we confirm the pens are against us.”
At press time, the investigation remained ongoing, several forms remained unsigned, and the only working pen in the building belonged to someone who had already gone home.
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