Officials confirm the slice is always gone, no one admits responsibility, and everyone feels strangely betrayed.
WASHINGTON — Federal authorities announced the formation of a new task force Monday to investigate a long-standing national mystery: who keeps eating the last slice of shared food and then pretending it never existed.
The inquiry follows years of unresolved incidents involving pizza, cake, office donuts, and “clearly labeled leftovers” that vanish sometime between optimism and disappointment.
“This is not about hunger,” said one investigator. “This is about trust.”
A Pattern of Disappearance
According to preliminary findings, the last slice is never eaten openly. Instead, it disappears quietly, usually overnight or during moments of assumed social safety.
Researchers identified several consistent conditions:
• The slice is acknowledged by everyone
• The slice is “being saved”
• The slice is gone
• No one knows how or why
One analyst described the phenomenon as “emotionally identical to opening the fridge and feeling personally disrespected.”
Experts note the behavior often triggers the same reactions seen in other investigations we shouldn’t be doing, where the answer is obvious but the accountability is nonexistent.
Suspects Remain Everyone
Officials stressed that no individual has been ruled out.
“We’ve learned the person most offended by the missing slice is statistically the most likely culprit,” said a behavioral specialist. “This is deeply inconvenient for everyone.”
The task force briefly considered surveillance, but abandoned the idea after determining it would escalate tensions faster than a neighborhood meeting where someone brings up recycling.
At least one participant attempted to frame the issue as “not about the food,” which experts confirmed means it is entirely about the food.
Public Reaction: Defensive and Slightly Guilty
Citizens responded with a mixture of outrage and selective memory.
“I would never eat the last slice,” said one individual, while carefully explaining the difference between the last slice and a slice that was clearly going to go bad.
Another admitted the disappearance often happens during periods of stress, financial anxiety, or when people stop looking at their bank account for a while and make choices they refuse to acknowledge later.
Investigation Expected to End Without Closure
When asked what success would look like, officials cited “awareness” and “maybe smaller slices going forward.”
“This task force will likely conclude the same way others have,” one spokesperson said, referencing prior efforts to explain why people walk into rooms and forget why they’re there.
The investigation timeline remains unclear. Authorities confirmed the report would be released soon, possibly right after someone eats the last slice again and swears it wasn’t them.
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