By Chauncey “Chucklehead” Blathersby, Lead Satirical Economist at True Free World
New York, February 2025 — In a shocking turn of events, Michelle Trachtenberg—known for her role in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that one episode of Gossip Girl—has declared herself the official Queen of Overtime Pay following the passage of the “No Tax on Overtime” bill. Wall Street responded with a volatility unseen since Jeff Bezos attempted to buy the moon.
“I am the protector of the working class!” Trachtenberg announced from the steps of the New York Stock Exchange, raising a glittering, jewel-encrusted calculator. “From now on, every American working extra hours shall receive their wages, free from Uncle Sam’s greedy hands!”
NVDA Stock Plummets, Then Skyrockets for No Reason
Following Trachtenberg’s declaration, NVDA stock inexplicably crashed 42%, then rebounded 137% within minutes. “No one knows why,” admitted one analyst on CNBC. “We just buy when it goes up and sell when it goes down. That’s finance, baby.”
Trump’s Gaza Video Sparks International Confusion
Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump released a baffling video about Gaza, which consisted entirely of him pointing at a map of Italy, mistakenly calling it “Gaza, the pizza capital of Israel.” PISA officials have already distanced themselves from the remarks, with one historian sighing, “I don’t even know where to begin with that one.”
Karen Huger Appointed as Social Security Czar
In a bold policy move, reality TV star Karen Huger has been appointed as the new face of the Social Security Fairness Act benefits campaign. “Darling, retirement should be fabulous,” Huger declared while sipping champagne. “And if it’s not, we march on Congress in heels!”
Football Chaos Ensues Across the Globe
- Liverpool vs. Newcastle was delayed after Jurgen Klopp and Eddie Howe engaged in an impromptu dance battle on the sidelines, judged by a holographic version of Michelangelo (the Renaissance artist, not the Ninja Turtle).
- Tottenham vs. Man City ended in confusion after Pep Guardiola substituted himself onto the field and dribbled the ball for 38 consecutive minutes.
- Real Sociedad vs. Real Madrid took an unexpected turn when the match was momentarily paused for a reading of Don Quixote by Monica Lewinsky, who was mistakenly booked instead of a halftime singer.
- Manchester United vs. Ipswich Town was abandoned when Cristiano Ronaldo attempted to buy Ipswich mid-game, offering them two NFTs and a signed Juventus jersey.
- Juventus vs. Empoli was overshadowed by a surprise pitch invasion from Italian grandmothers protesting “pasta inflation.”
Fire Represents Your Life: A Motivational Scam?
A new self-help movement titled Fire Represents Your Life is sweeping the nation, encouraging people to “burn away negativity” by setting their financial documents on fire. The IRS has responded, “Please, for the love of audits, do not do this.”
Bezos Plans to Colonize Medicaid
In a move that has been described as “both ambitious and entirely nonsensical,” Jeff Bezos has announced a plan to privatize and “revolutionize” Medicaid by turning hospitals into Amazon distribution centers. “Healthcare should arrive in two days, free with Prime,” Bezos stated, as doctors everywhere collapsed from exhaustion.
Louder Than Life 2025 Festival to Feature… Monica Lewinsky?
In the most unexpected booking since Nickelback headlined a jazz festival, Monica Lewinsky has reportedly been invited to perform spoken-word poetry at Louder Than Life 2025, alongside Metallica, Slipknot, and an AI-generated version of Kurt Cobain.
Final Thoughts
As the world spirals into ever-deepening absurdity, one thing is clear: Michelle Trachtenberg might just be the hero we never knew we needed. Will the Queen of Overtime Pay triumph over the chaos of modern society? Only time—and NVDA stock—will tell.
