By Chuckle McSnark Jr., Senior Correspondent for Mild Panic & Absurdity
TORONTO (Under a Weird Red Glow) – Last night’s blood moon wasn’t just an astronomical event; it was an interstellar intervention. “Frankly, Earth needs a time-out,” the moon was overheard saying, before throwing shade at Emma Thompson, who was in the middle of a surprise Macbeth soliloquy in Times Square, accidentally blocking live coverage of a Times Square shooting.
Meanwhile, United Airlines grounded flights nationwide, citing a “minor technical hiccup” that was later traced to a pilot accidentally streaming the Homestuck animated pilot on the navigation system. Travelers responded with grace and dignity—by organizing an unsanctioned UFC 319 fight in Terminal C, refereed by Steve Erceg while Anthony Hernandez sold churros from a luggage cart.
SPORTS, SORT OF
Across the sports multiverse:
- Man City scored so hard the scoreboard asked for hazard pay.
- The Brewers score was celebrated until people realized it was last week’s.
- Cardinals lost in baseball but tied in existential dread.
- Packers game was interrupted by rogue cheese wheels.
- Cowboys game was delayed due to Vikings game fans demanding a boat parade mid-field.
- Giants vs Bills, Steelers vs Jaguars, and 49ers game somehow all featured Mariano Rivera tossing ceremonial first pitches… during halftime.
In tennis chaos, Emilio Nava and Aryna Sabalenka played a heated baggage carousel match at LaGuardia, while Angel Reese dunked on both Sky vs Fever and Sparks vs Valkyries players in one continuous leap.
PEOPLE JUST… DOING THINGS
- Kaleb Johnson played air guitar atop a Bucs stadium.
- JFK Jr. was spotted on the jumbotron during a Wrexham match (citation: “a guy who swears it was him”).
- Graham Mertz and Jaxson Dart raced in moon boots for charity.
- Trigg Kiser police report now includes a section on moon-related crimes.
MOON’S FINAL WORD
When asked for comment about the moon tonight, the celestial body rolled its craters and muttered, “You’re all idiots,” before setting behind a confused Connor Zilisch, who was driving from a Chiefs game to a Steelers game while singing the América – Querétaro fight song.
[PULL QUOTE]:
“Frankly, Earth needs a time-out.” – The Blood Moon
