By Prudence Von Sauerkraut, Senior Task Correspondent, True Free World
Global civilization officially imploded last night when India vs Bangladesh got delayed because a Bangkok sinkhole swallowed the lotto max jackpot winning ticket and three unsuspecting ostriches from the Ostrich Farm BC Update livestream. Local witnesses reported hearing Rihanna humming Umbrella from the depths, accompanied by what sounded suspiciously like the Marvel Zombies theme.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue was interrupted by breaking news: a product recall for Sony PlayStation consoles after one began spontaneously preaching about the Rapture 2025 while streaming Alice in Borderland Season 3 on Crunchyroll. Early reports suggest the issue stems from leftover autopen firmware designed by John Bolton during his brief stint as PlayStation’s head of indefendable policy.
In sports, chaos spread faster than a drug resistant bacteria buffet. Inter Miami vs New York City was postponed after Joshua Jahn released a team of rabid raccoons into the locker room, while the Yankees game today was delayed when Garrett Crochet mistook Emma Watson for an umpire and handed her the ball. Elsewhere:
- Atlético Madrid vs Rayo Vallecano ended early when Violet Affleck scored a hat trick with her astrology chart.
- Palmeiras vs River Plate saw Max Scherzer try to pitch for both teams simultaneously, citing his split personality named “Scherzer.”
- Survivor 49 contestants were forced into Europa League play-offs against Port Vale vs Arsenal, refereed by a visibly tipsy Priscilla Presley.
Political updates weren’t much better. Alberta teachers strike leaders issued demands that included free Girl Scout Cookies, lifetime United Airlines flights, and cameo appearances from Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley in Hudson & Rex. President Donald Trump attempted to respond but got distracted by a Trump and Epstein statue erected outside a Billionaires Bunker in Indonesia.
Markets also shook: Lithium Americas stock, BABA stock, IREN stock, and NBIS stock all merged into a new entity called FC Supra, which immediately collapsed when Fawn Hall yelled “sell!” during a House of Guinness karaoke night. Apple stock tanked further after Emma Watson demanded they rename the iPhone 17 to “Wicked for Good Pro Max”.
Cultural highlights included:
- Julia Fox launching a Romanian Angels rebrand of Big Brother schedule, featuring guest commentary by Alan Ritchson and Courtney Stodden.
- Liam McIntyre announcing he will play Huntington Disease in a new biopic directed by Rob Reiner.
- Lorde Toronto tour interrupted by a Weather Warning that just read “Pete Davidson is back.”
- Adele collaborating with Lisa Marie Presley’s hologram to cover Sarah McLachlan’s Angel, exclusively for Global TV.
And in the most global event since the China Open met Cruz Azul – Querétaro, Canada OAS CPP retirement age was raised to “whenever you finally beat Hades 2.” The Supreme Court ruling on whether Jaden Smith counts as a silent hill was postponed indefinitely, because James Comey got lost at Mouches Buffet des Continents.
Finally, a weather warning across Toronto, Guelph, Oakville, Windsor, and Montreal confirms “there will be hurricanes, typhoons, and at least one billionaires bunker flood until further notice.” Experts say this is normal for autumn, especially during a Carabao Cup draw.
As Pam Bondi once said during Slow Horses Season 5, “It’s all just one battle after another.”
And that’s today’s news.
