By: Chauncey McWigglesworth III, for True Free World
A Normal Day? Absolutely Not.
At precisely 9:42 AM EST, all hell broke loose when Tesla stock plummeted faster than Russell Wilson escaping the Denver Broncos’ offensive line. Analysts blamed it on a rogue tweet from Elon Musk, but unfortunately, Twitter was down, leaving millions to wonder if their bad takes had even been posted at all.
By Penelope “Punny” Thistlewhack, Chief Satirical Correspondent
February 16, 2025 — In a week where Mother Nature and human nature collided spectacularly, the world witnessed a series of events that left us questioning reality itself. From kayakers taking impromptu whale-watching tours (from the inside) to basketball games on aircraft carriers, here’s a roundup of the most head-scratching happenings.
By Biff “Heartthrob” Carmichael, Senior Satirist for True Free World
February 14, 2025 — It’s Valentine’s Day, or as the internet insists, Día de San Valentín, and while love is allegedly in the air, so is mass confusion. From yet another whale swallowing a kayaker to the Eagles parade being interrupted by a rogue marching band, the world is once again proving that romance is best left to the professionals—like reality show producers and Dolly Parton.
By Chester “Chucklehead” Braxton, Senior Satirist for True Free World
Munich, February 15, 2025 — In a week that can only be described as a fever dream, the world has witnessed everything from kayakers being swallowed by whales to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. accidentally live-streaming his grocery list. Meanwhile, the Daytona Duels concluded with what some are calling “the most controversial left turn in history,” and Andy Samberg has announced his candidacy for something, though no one is sure what.
By Max “Mad Scribbler” Rutherford, Senior Satirist for True Free World
Iron Mountain, February 15, 2025 — The world woke up to chaos today, as a shocking chain of events rocked everything from global finance to the culinary industry. Somewhere between an asteroid sighting over Greenland and a devastating Dominion power outage, the infamous Duolingo Owl met its untimely demise, sending language learners into existential crisis.
By Truman “Truth Bomb” Barkley, Chief Satirist for True Free World
Golfo de Mexico, February 10, 2025 — In a series of events that defy logic, reason, and the general laws of probability, Google Maps went rogue, Rod Blagojevich rebranded as a jazz critic, and the world’s tuna supply faced a catastrophic recall. Strap in, folks—it’s going to be a wild ride.
By Penelope “Penny” Chatterton, Chief Correspondent for True Free World
Guatemala City, February 10, 2025 — In what historians are already calling “The Day Journalism Finally Lost Its Mind,” a series of events unfolded so bizarre it left Sam Altman’s AI speechless, NBA starting lineups irrelevant, and Whitney Alford humming show tunes at Bath & Body Works’ Disney Princess collection launch.
Gulf of America, February 10, 2025 — In an unexpected twist that has baffled sports analysts, astrologers, and Nick Wright alike, Jalen Hurts’ wife has reportedly predicted the exact score of the upcoming Super Bowl while waiting for a free coffee...
