CAMBRIDGE — A study that cost millions in public funding attempted to explain why humans tap pens during meetings, lectures, and court appearances.
Researchers concluded the answer is “general existential discomfort” and that the tapping will continue indefinitely.
PARIS — Inflation has officially reached levels that make basic necessities unaffordable, yet experts continue to reassure the public by saying, “This is fine. Welcome to life.”
Milk now costs as much as small cars. Rent rivals the GDP of a small nation. Coffee prices have entered the realm of abstract art.
Experts now classify the delay as “geological in scale.”
MAPLE RIDGE — In a milestone that scientists are calling “both impressive and deeply concerning,” 34-year-old Jason McAllen has officially set a world record for saying “we should go” a total of 14 times before physically leaving a friend’s house.
Forks flying. Tupperware clashing. Marriages tested.
SPRINGFIELD — After decades of simmering domestic tension, parents across the country have officially declared dishwasher loading a full-contact competitive sport, complete with strategy, injuries, and at least one referee who insists everyone’s “doing it wrong.”
In what diplomats are calling a “bold, modern, and mildly unhinged strategy,” the world’s largest powers have officially agreed to conduct all international disputes exclusively through passive-aggressive emails.
SAN FRANCISCO — Facing skyrocketing costs, local small businesses have adopted an innovative compensation model: employees are now paid exclusively in “good vibes” and “hope for a better tomorrow.”
LONDON — In a shocking turn, several cryptocurrencies have evolved into full-blown cults promising salvation for anyone who invests enough in memecoins.
Leaders preach that only the faithful can reach “The Moon,” a mystical digital realm where inflation doesn’t exist and Lambos rain from the sky.
In a move that has become as predictable as seasonal allergies and billionaires saying something bizarre online, world leaders gathered this week for the annual “Global Accountability Summit”—a polite name for the meeting where everyone argues over which country should issue the official apology for humanity’s collective behavior.
WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking misuse of taxpayer money, federal agents spent six months trying to identify the office snack that most employees loathe.
The results? Pretzels. Every survey, every hidden camera, every taste test confirmed: pretzels are evil.
CHICAGO — Following another week of unpredictable withdrawals, overdraft fees, and inexplicable bank freezes, several major banks have begun apologizing via interpretive dance.
Footage shows a team of bankers in flowing robes, performing synchronized spins and hand gestures meant to communicate remorse, fiscal responsibility, and vague hints at interest rates.
