By Percival “Buzz” Blunderworth, Senior Disruptive Correspondent for True Free World
New York, February 2025 — In what experts are calling “the most ambitious crossover event since the Marvel Cinematic Universe forgot about half its characters,” a woman named Jenny has unilaterally declared Bitcoin as the exclusive currency of JoAnn’s Fabrics, sending shockwaves through the stock market and infuriating coupon-clipping grandmothers nationwide.
“This is the future of commerce,” Jenny announced, standing atop a sewing table in a Brooklyn JoAnn’s, clutching a quilt emblazoned with a pixelated Bitcoin logo. “No more petty cash! No more 50%-off coupons! It’s all blockchain, baby!”
Al Trautwig and Dan Crenshaw Weigh In
Sports broadcaster Al Trautwig took to Twitter, declaring, “If I can’t buy felt and googly eyes with a crisp $10 bill, we’ve lost our way as a society.” Meanwhile, Representative Dan Crenshaw introduced emergency legislation called the “Fabric Financial Freedom Act” to reinstate USD transactions at all craft stores.
“Our founding fathers fought for the right to buy discounted embroidery floss with American dollars, not speculative internet coins!” Crenshaw exclaimed on Fox News, while Rachel Maddow countered, “This is actually a direct consequence of the Supreme Court’s Obergefell v. Hodges ruling, but you’re not ready for that conversation.”
Lester Holt Steps Down Amid JoAnn’s Crypto Scandal
NBC News anchor Lester Holt, visibly shaken, announced his immediate resignation. “I can’t compete with the sheer insanity of this timeline. My journalistic integrity is in shambles,” he stated, removing his tie in real time before walking off set.
Maitland Ward Speaks for America
Maitland Ward, formerly of Boy Meets World, now an outspoken cryptocurrency advocate, released a statement: “Bitcoin belongs in the fabric industry! You don’t understand how decentralized finance and yarn skeins intersect!” Ward later posted a picture of herself draped in a metallic silver cape, captioned: “The Future is Knitted.”
Stock Market in Disarray; Richard Glossip Claims a Conspiracy
Following the announcement, the Dow plummeted 3,000 points, while shares of JoAnn’s spiked 900%. Richard Glossip, from his prison cell, issued a statement suggesting “dark money forces” were behind the turmoil. “They don’t want you to know the truth about synthetic fibers and decentralized currency!” he scrawled in a letter, which was promptly read aloud by Chelsea Handler on her new podcast, Conspiracies and Chardonnay.
Marvel’s “Rivals” Error Code Sparks Further Panic
Adding fuel to the chaos, gamers attempting to log into Marvel Rivals were met with the dreaded “2103 Error.” Kathleen Kennedy, seeking to capitalize on the moment, quickly announced a Disney+ series tentatively titled Bitcoin vs. The Multiverse, starring Nicholas Galitzine as “The Blockchain Bandit.”
Tina Knowles, Alabama Barker, and an Unlikely Alliance
In a shocking twist, Tina Knowles and Alabama Barker announced a joint partnership to create NFT-backed crochet patterns. “It’s about empowerment,” Knowles explained, while Barker added, “Also, we just thought it sounded kinda sick.”
International Fallout: Australia vs. South Africa Match Halted, India Martinez to the Rescue
The Australia vs. South Africa cricket match was abruptly paused after players began debating the feasibility of cryptocurrency-backed bats. Singer India Martinez performed an impromptu concert at the stadium to calm the crowd, ultimately restoring order before the game resumed.
The Final Verdict
As the dust settles, one thing is clear: JoAnn’s Fabrics has unexpectedly become ground zero for a financial revolution nobody asked for. With Bitcoin now officially tied to seasonal table runners and custom pillowcases, the world waits with bated breath to see what happens next.
Stay tuned for updates—assuming the WiFi at your nearest JoAnn’s can handle it.
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