Our comprehensive coverage of national stories, political antics, and societal mishaps; all delivered with the seriousness of a government report that was clearly written in a hurry.
Witnesses confirm no debate occurred, no opposition was present, and no one asked for a follow-up statement.
SUBURBAN ANYWHERE — A local man announced victory Tuesday in what he described as a “long-running argument,” despite overwhelming evidence that no one else was aware such an argument had ever taken place.
Officials confirm no trash issues were resolved, but several personal grudges were.
SUBURBAN ANYWHERE — What began as a routine neighborhood meeting to “quickly address waste management concerns” officially collapsed Tuesday night after devolving into a 45-minute argument about trash cans; their placement, their lids, their wheels, and what they allegedly say about a person’s character.
WASHINGTON — Federal agencies confirmed today that they have no explanation for why Schedule 3 drugs, Greg Biffle, and Puka Nacua all trended nationally within the same 24-hour period.
“It’s not illegal,” said one official. “It’s just… deeply unsettling.”
UN urges both sides to consider a ceasefire or at least switch to wipes.
HAMILTON — A peaceful suburban household descended into open conflict yesterday after an unidentified member of the family placed the toilet paper roll in what relatives described as “the wrong orientation,” reigniting a long-standing feud that experts fear may now be irreversible.
Researchers say clothes-to-floor migration may be “instinctual behavior from the Paleolithic era.”
DES MOINES — After years of speculation, scientists have officially confirmed that the family laundry hamper does, in fact, exist. Unfortunately, new findings suggest that most household members remain blissfully unaware of the object’s presence, purpose, or basic function.
Researchers confirm the missing item is always “right where you left it,” except when it absolutely isn’t.
CLEVELAND — A groundbreaking new study has revealed that 92 percent of all household arguments begin with one person shouting the immortal phrase: “Who moved my—” before abruptly stopping, narrowing their eyes, and spiraling into a level of rage usually reserved for printer malfunctions.
Experts now classify the delay as “geological in scale.”
MAPLE RIDGE — In a milestone that scientists are calling “both impressive and deeply concerning,” 34-year-old Jason McAllen has officially set a world record for saying “we should go” a total of 14 times before physically leaving a friend’s house.
Forks flying. Tupperware clashing. Marriages tested.
SPRINGFIELD — After decades of simmering domestic tension, parents across the country have officially declared dishwasher loading a full-contact competitive sport, complete with strategy, injuries, and at least one referee who insists everyone’s “doing it wrong.”
WASHINGTON — Less than twenty-four hours after President Donald Trump announced his “legendary, unparalleled, best-in-all-realities” peace treaty between the Mountain Troll Confederacy and the Forest Elven Collective, the entire agreement has already detonated in spectacular fashion.
NEW YORK — After months of digging, True Free World can now confirm what many viewers suspected every time something on Fox News felt… a little too sparkly and chaotic: the network is being quietly operated by a council of fae tricksters.
