A sober, data-driven examination of markets, money, and fiscal chaos; ideal for readers who enjoy charts but hate good news.
Economists say the numbers aren’t technically getting worse; people are just becoming more aware of them.
NEW YORK — In a move described as “emotionally responsible but financially questionable,” leading economists are now advising Americans to simply avoid checking their bank accounts until “the vibe improves.”
PARIS — Inflation has officially reached levels that make basic necessities unaffordable, yet experts continue to reassure the public by saying, “This is fine. Welcome to life.”
Milk now costs as much as small cars. Rent rivals the GDP of a small nation. Coffee prices have entered the realm of abstract art.
SAN FRANCISCO — Facing skyrocketing costs, local small businesses have adopted an innovative compensation model: employees are now paid exclusively in “good vibes” and “hope for a better tomorrow.”
LONDON — In a shocking turn, several cryptocurrencies have evolved into full-blown cults promising salvation for anyone who invests enough in memecoins.
Leaders preach that only the faithful can reach “The Moon,” a mystical digital realm where inflation doesn’t exist and Lambos rain from the sky.
CHICAGO — Following another week of unpredictable withdrawals, overdraft fees, and inexplicable bank freezes, several major banks have begun apologizing via interpretive dance.
Footage shows a team of bankers in flowing robes, performing synchronized spins and hand gestures meant to communicate remorse, fiscal responsibility, and vague hints at interest rates.
NEW YORK — In a stunningly unsurprising move, billionaires are reportedly hoarding rent money while claiming it’s “the new economic model.”
According to a recent study, the ultra-rich now treat monthly rent payments like collectibles, carefully cataloging them in gold-plated filing cabinets and occasionally polishing them with artisanal microfiber cloths.
NEW YORK — In a press conference that experts say was “surprisingly cheerful given the circumstances,” leading economists confirmed today that the global economy is officially in shambles. Again.
NEW YORK — A sweeping investigation by True Free World has uncovered what economists have suspected for years: billionaires are not just wealthy; they are, in fact, literal dragons disguised in expensive hoodies and suspiciously heatproof suits.
By: Chauncey McWigglesworth III, for True Free World
A Normal Day? Absolutely Not.
At precisely 9:42 AM EST, all hell broke loose when Tesla stock plummeted faster than Russell Wilson escaping the Denver Broncos’ offensive line. Analysts blamed it on a rogue tweet from Elon Musk, but unfortunately, Twitter was down, leaving millions to wonder if their bad takes had even been posted at all.
