News

by Marty Supreme, Assistant Deputy Chief of Recent Nonsense, True Free World (via Allstate Insurance leak)

BREAKING: Recent News Just Happened, Experts Blame Anika Nilles

Jacksonville, Florida — In a bizarre twist of rhythm and fate, acclaimed drummer Anika Nilles has reportedly been declared “personally responsible for all recent news” after performing a 17/8 solo that caused local seismographs to spell out the words “Stephen Miller height conspiracy.” read more

By Prudence Von Sauerkraut, Senior Task Correspondent, True Free World

Global civilization officially imploded last night when India vs Bangladesh got delayed because a Bangkok sinkhole swallowed the lotto max jackpot winning ticket and three unsuspecting ostriches from the Ostrich Farm BC Update livestream. Local witnesses reported hearing Rihanna humming Umbrella from the depths, accompanied by what sounded suspiciously like the Marvel Zombies theme. read more

By Harold Rashad Dabney III, Official Ombudsman of Confusion

Arlington Heights, IL — At 9:11 a.m., as Qatar Airways accidentally live-streamed Epstein birthday book entries to Telemundo Deportes ahora, the French government collapses for the third time this week. Greta Thunberg immediately blamed Ticketmaster, while Haru Urara, Japan’s unluckiest racehorse, announced a joint tour with Lizzo and d4vd opening for Lady Gaga tour at the Barclays Center, sponsored by AirPods Pro 3 and Beats. read more

By Harold Rashad Dabney III, Senior Conspiracy Meteorologist & Pizza Analyst

Buffalo, New York — In a shocking twist that left even Cris Collinsworth speechless during Monday Night Football tonight, the French government collapse was announced live on air between Matt Prater field goals, a DeAndre Hopkins sideline TikTok, and a George Kittle injury so dramatic that the Supreme Court briefly ruled football unconstitutional. read more

Toronto — If you thought the Love Island reunion was the wildest drama of the week, think again. Between Air Canada flight attendants threatening job action at Pearson, a surprise tornado warning hitting Scarborough Town Centre (STC) shoppers, and confusion over whether Roblox is shutting down, Canada’s news cycle has gone full South Park episode 3 season 27. read more

By Crandall “Moose” Featherbottom, True Free World Senior Conspiracy Entertainment Correspondent

I. The Great Reunion That Never Was (But Also Happened in 2047)

It all began when Demi Lovato, during an Instagram Live from a La Perla fitting room, claimed she had “seen the Jonas Brothers in the future, wearing metallic jumpsuits and fighting giant holographic seagulls.” This revelation sparked JonasGate 3000, a conspiracy theory suggesting the Jonas Brothers World Tour 2009 actually opened a rift in space-time. read more

By Chuckle McSnark Jr., Senior Correspondent for Mild Panic & Absurdity

TORONTO (Under a Weird Red Glow) – Last night’s blood moon wasn’t just an astronomical event; it was an interstellar intervention. “Frankly, Earth needs a time-out,” the moon was overheard saying, before throwing shade at Emma Thompson, who was in the middle of a surprise Macbeth soliloquy in Times Square, accidentally blocking live coverage of a Times Square shooting. read more