NEW YORK — In a press conference that experts say was “surprisingly cheerful given the circumstances,” leading economists confirmed today that the global economy is officially in shambles. Again.
“Markets are crashing, housing prices are confusing, and somehow avocado toast is still expensive,” said Dr. Leonard Kipple, chief analyst at the Institute of Perpetual Financial Panic. “It’s honestly impressive how consistently bad this is.”
The announcement follows a week in which:
- Stock indices performed a coordinated interpretive dance of despair
- Inflation hit levels previously reserved for fictional dystopias
- Cryptocurrencies briefly attempted to unionize before disappearing entirely
Experts insisted the situation is under control. “It’s fine,” said Kipple, smiling widely while clutching a spreadsheet with red numbers that were probably a cry for help. “We’re just recalibrating. Everything is actually just fine. If you ignore it long enough, it will probably fix itself.”
When pressed about why wages are stagnant while prices skyrocket, another economist offered a theory: “People like to pay more for less. It’s called free-market freedom. Also chaos. Mostly chaos.”
Meanwhile, small business owners are reportedly unsure whether to invest, panic, or cry into artisanal coffee. One local shop owner told True Free World, “I’m just hoping the next crash will include a coupon.”
Government officials were quick to reassure citizens that the economy is fine, reminding them that unemployment, debt, and the occasional inexplicable market collapse are “just numbers that make really fun graphs.”
Financial advisors suggested several coping strategies:
- Buying gold, bitcoin, or whatever shiny thing you can sell later
- Ignoring your bank account until it goes away
- Learning to make artisanal sandwiches from scratch, because apparently it’s cheaper than rent
Analysts predict the economy will continue its impressive display of chaos for the foreseeable future, with occasional pauses for “slightly less bad” weeks.
Dr. Kipple concluded the press briefing with optimism: “Sure, the economy is a dumpster fire, but think of all the social media content this generates. Honestly, there’s something good in everything.”
True Free World will continue following the story, mostly because we’re all invested in watching how badly this can go before someone blames the moon.
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