By Lance Throttle, Senior Truth Excavator
Politics — “Canada’s Wettest Secret”
In a shocking turn of events, whistleblowers inside the Ministry of Natural Resources claim the government has been negotiating in secret with a rogue faction of hyper-intelligent beavers.
“They don’t just want more dams,” said an anonymous source wearing sunglasses indoors. “They want every coastline, every city, every backyard kiddie pool under their control.”
Diplomatic cables allegedly reveal Prime Ministerial advisors debating whether to join the Beaver Cabal’s “Global Flood Initiative” in exchange for… “unlimited maple syrup futures.”
Science & Technology — “Weather Machines and Acorn-Powered Lasers”
University researchers (who requested anonymity because they’re “technically banned from the library”) confirm sightings of large steel domes hidden in boreal forests.
“They’re calling them ‘Acorn Accelerators,’” explained Dr. Glenn Quibble, a self-described “paranormal engineer.” “These devices can alter rainfall patterns by 300%. Also, they hum at the exact frequency of Céline Dion’s high notes, which is… suspicious.”
Satellite imagery shows beavers wearing tiny tool belts near the domes. Their plans remain unclear.
Lifestyle — “How to Tell if Your Neighbour is a Beaver Agent”
- Do they gnaw suspiciously on table legs?
- Have they replaced their mailbox with a small, running stream?
- Do they refer to Justin Trudeau as “The Tall One” and stare into the distance when asked about it?
Experts say subtle signs matter: “If they invite you over for ‘timber stew,’ you’re probably already compromised,” warned Home Security influencer Brenda McNab.
Business — “Dam Stocks Soar Amid Beaver Market Frenzy”
Wall Street went into a tailspin Monday as “DamCoin” — the Cabal’s unregulated water-based cryptocurrency — surged 8,000% in under two hours.
“Investors are dumping gold, oil, even NFTs,” said finance analyst Kurt Binns, adjusting his waders mid-interview. “The future is wet. Very wet.”
Opinion — “We Laughed at Noah. We Won’t Survive the Beavers.”
By Agatha Plink, Truth Patriot Since ’94
Some say this is just another conspiracy. To them I say: walk the riverbank at night. Listen for the slap of a tail in the dark. Look into those glossy, calculating eyes. The Flood is coming, friends. And we built them the dams.
Obituaries — “Farewell to Our Fallen”
- Chuck “Dry Socks” Henderson, 54, drowned in his above-ground pool under “mysterious circumstances.”
- Professor Linda Sprague, 71, last seen entering a culvert muttering, “I can reason with them.” She could not.
- DamCoin Investor #382, name unknown, found clutching soggy ledger paper.
Final Reveal — “They’re Not Just Beavers”
Newly leaked photos suggest the Cabal may be… half-beaver, half-human hybrids, genetically engineered during the Cold War. Some claim their leader, “Grand Dam,” walks among us disguised as a motivational speaker on the self-help circuit.
Authorities urge calm, but secretly recommend buying a canoe.
If you want, I can mock up this exact text in a fake front-page newspaper layout so it looks like it was pulled from a wild conspiracy tabloid at a sketchy gas station. Would you like me to do that?
