By Chauncey McWaffle, Lead Investigative Satirist at True Free World
Hollywood, CA — February 2025 — In a move that has shaken the entertainment industry, 94-year-old Gene Hackman has announced his return to acting after a two-decade retirement. His comeback project? Shrek 5.
“I was meditating in my New Mexico ranch when suddenly, I felt a great disturbance in the swamp,” Hackman told Running Point in an exclusive interview. “The universe told me: ‘You must be in Shrek 5—or all hope is lost.’ Who am I to refuse destiny?”
Andrew Tate Blasts Decision, Challenges Shrek to Cage Fight
Not everyone is thrilled about Hackman’s return. Self-proclaimed alpha male Andrew Tate took to his X account to declare Shrek 5 “a weak man’s movie” and challenged Shrek himself to a cage fight. “If that green ogre has any honor, he’ll meet me in Dubai. No CGI. No donkey sidekick. Just fists.”
Tate’s challenge was promptly ignored, but Eddie Huang commented, “This is the weirdest crossover since that one time Lil Baby and Rod Stewart were spotted at a Vegas casino playing baccarat together.”
Pokémon Legends: Za Confirms Shrek Crossover
As if things couldn’t get more surreal, Pokémon Legends: Za announced that Shrek would be a special in-game trainer. “He’ll be a Gym Leader specializing in Swamp-type Pokémon,” confirmed game designer Jake Knapp. “His ace? A Mega Evolution version of Muk wearing Shrek’s vest.”
Diehard fans immediately began debating the implications. “Does this mean we’ll finally get a Pokémon Champions league featuring Shrek? And does Venmo support PokéDollars yet?” asked Twitter user @SwampKing420.
PepsiCo Layoffs & Epstein Conspiracies Collide
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists found a way to link Shrek 5 to something much darker. Following PepsiCo Frito-Lay’s plant closures and layoffs, internet detectives speculated wildly about a connection to Jeffrey Epstein.
“This all leads back to Epstein’s island,” said Jordan Schultz on his podcast Survivor 50 Voting Strategies and Other Lies. “Shrek, the corporate elite, and Aubrey O’Day are all involved. You just have to follow the money.”
Schultz provided no evidence, but that didn’t stop Sofia Vergara from retweeting it with a single cryptic eye emoji.
Ramadan 2025 and Dominican Independence Day Overlap, Causing Scheduling Chaos
Adding to the insanity, religious and cultural leaders are struggling to navigate a rare cosmic event: Dominican Independence Day coinciding with Ramadan 2025.
“This happens once every hundred years,” noted historian Professor Javier On. “It’s like Halley’s Comet, but with more empanadas and fasting.”
Attempts to celebrate both occasions resulted in mass confusion at a festival in Santo Domingo, where fasting participants mistakenly entered an all-you-can-eat mangu competition. “I blame Monster Hunter Wilds,” said one attendee. “That game made me think I had the endurance of a Great Jagras.”
Rod Stewart Announces Union Jordan 1 Collab
In a final, completely unrelated development, Rod Stewart shocked sneakerheads by launching his own limited-edition Union Jordan 1 colorway. “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this,” said a visibly emotional Ruby Franke in her upcoming Hulu documentary. “This is bigger than my sentencing.”
Final Thoughts: Is the World Ready for Shrek 5?
With global events spiraling into chaos, one question remains: Can Shrek 5 unite us all? Only time will tell. But if Gene Hackman has anything to say about it, “This is bigger than cinema. It’s an obligation.”
Stay tuned.
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