World leaders vow to skim at least 12 percent before giving up completely.
GENEVA — In a rare moment of global unity, representatives from 142 nations gathered today to announce the creation of the International Terms and Conditions Oversight & Skimming Taskforce, a historic coalition dedicated to reading — or, let’s be honest, pretending to read — the world’s most ignored documents.
The initiative comes after decades of world governments blindly clicking “I Agree,” a policy approach experts now believe may have inadvertently signed humanity up for at least four subscriptions, two unsettling data-sharing agreements, and possibly a blood oath to an app whose name no one remembers.
“Earth has faced climate change, pandemics, economic collapse,” said Taskforce Chair Dr. Helena Vastrom, “but nothing has threatened the stability of the international order like paragraph 14-B of the Universal Consumer Agreement. We’re still not sure what it says. Our translator passed out halfway through.”
Officials say the coalition’s mission is simple: read as far as they can until someone gets confused, bored, or emotionally overwhelmed; at which point the document will automatically be marked as “Reviewed.”
Early drafts of the reading schedule include:
- Week 1: Skimming the first two pages confidently.
- Week 2: Realizing the first two pages were just a table of contents.
- Week 3: Spiraling.
- Week 4: Delegating the remaining 97 pages to interns.
UN interpreters have already requested hazard pay after encountering a sentence in one T&C that was 478 words long and appeared to contradict itself three different times.
The United States delegation promised to “take the lead” but quickly backed down when confronted with a single line that read:
“By continuing to use this service, you consent to all future updates, including those not yet invented.”
Canada volunteered to read the privacy policies — again — prompting applause, pity, and someone whispering, “Bless their hearts.”
China demanded clarification on whether these agreements could be weaponized. The UK asked if they could opt out. France lit a cigarette and said, “We refuse but in a charming way.”
Though the coalition admits the full documents will likely remain unread, leaders agree the symbolic act of pretending to care marks “a new chapter in global diplomacy.”
The final joint statement promises that humanity will continue clicking “I Agree” in the meantime but “with slightly more awareness than usual, which should count for something.”
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