GENEVA — Confusion rippled through the international community this morning after the name Greg Biffle appeared repeatedly in a classified world affairs briefing, despite no confirmed evidence that the former NASCAR driver is involved in geopolitics, diplomacy, or anything remotely relevant.
The 47-page document, titled “Emerging Global Variables to Monitor Closely,” reportedly lists Biffle alongside climate instability, regional conflicts, and “vibes we can’t explain.”
“No one’s accusing him of anything,” clarified a UN spokesperson. “We just keep seeing his name come up. That alone felt… notable.”
Delegates from multiple countries admitted they weren’t sure who first added Biffle to the agenda. Some believe it started as a joke. Others insist an algorithm flagged him as “strategically adjacent to something important.”
The U.S. delegation briefly attempted to explain Biffle’s racing career before trailing off mid-sentence. Canada apologized for the confusion. France requested a smoke break.
Experts now warn that the mere inclusion of irrelevant figures in global briefings may signal a deeper issue: no one fully understands what qualifies as “world affairs” anymore.
As of press time, Greg Biffle had not commented, likely because he has no idea this is happening.
Support Independent Satire
Your contribution helps keep True Free World confusing the powerful, enlightening the masses, and occasionally breaking international law by accident.
