Government Launches Inquiry Into Where All the Time Went

Officials confirm the time is gone, no one remembers spending it, and everyone is mildly offended by the implication.

WASHINGTON — A newly formed federal task force has been assigned to investigate a mystery plaguing Americans across all demographics, income levels, and calendar systems: where the time actually went.

The inquiry was launched after multiple agencies reported the same phenomenon; entire weeks disappearing without explanation, productivity apps showing alarming gaps, and citizens insisting it was “just Monday like five minutes ago.”

“We are not accusing anyone,” said Task Force Director Elaine Porter. “We simply want to know how it’s suddenly Thursday again.”

The Case Against Time Itself

According to preliminary findings, time appears to be moving at inconsistent speeds depending on context.

Researchers have identified several high-risk environments where time loss is most severe:

• Waiting rooms
• Grocery stores
• Online “quick checks”
• Meetings that could’ve been emails
• Any moment labeled “real quick”

One analyst described the evidence as “deeply unsettling,” noting that hours vanish fastest when someone says, “I’ll just lie down for a minute.”

Experts Disagree on the Cause

Some scientists argue the missing time is the result of cognitive overload and constant low-grade stress. Others believe smartphones are to blame. A smaller but louder group insists time is being siphoned off by poorly optimized software updates.

“There’s also the possibility,” Porter admitted, “that time is simply leaving on its own because it doesn’t like us anymore.”

This theory mirrors patterns seen in other questionable federal investigations, including a recent probe into why people walk into rooms and forget why they’re there; an effort that similarly concluded with no answers and a lot of nodding.

Public Reaction: Mostly Resigned

Citizens interviewed expressed mild concern but little surprise.

“I knew something was wrong when I blinked and my coffee got cold,” said one man. “That shouldn’t take forty minutes.”

Another respondent claimed they lost an entire weekend but retained all the stress from it. Officials confirmed this is “extremely common.”

The task force has urged calm, reminding the public that time loss is not currently taxable, regulated, or subject to fines; though several lawmakers reportedly asked follow-up questions.

Task Force Admits Outcome Unlikely to Help Anyone

When asked what success would look like, Porter paused.

“Best case scenario,” she said, “we confirm time is gone, publish a 200-page report no one reads, and everyone continues exactly as before but with slightly more existential dread.”

The investigation is expected to conclude sometime next year; or possibly yesterday.

Officials clarified the exact date is unclear, as several weeks are currently unaccounted for.