International Community Agrees to Stop Pretending They Understand Cryptocurrency Diplomacy

Global summit ends with everyone nodding confidently while understanding absolutely nothing.

DAVOS — After years of pretending to follow conversations about blockchain-based alliances, decentralized sanctions, and the rumored “Geopolitical DAO,” world leaders announced today they will officially stop acting like they have the slightest clue what any of it means.

The declaration followed a tense, three-hour closed-door meeting in which diplomats from 72 countries attempted to define the phrase “crypto-forward foreign policy” before collectively giving up and ordering lunch.

“We’ve reached a turning point,” said EU representative Nadia Lensk. “We cannot stabilize the global economy if every discussion involves someone saying ‘it’s actually very simple’ while drawing incomprehensible loops on a whiteboard.”

The new Treaty on Transparent Confusion & Cooperative Guessing commits member states to:

• Admit when they don’t understand a blockchain-related proposal.
• Stop nodding along in hopes someone else will ask the confusing question first.
• Limit the phrase “we’re exploring decentralized solutions” to situations where it actually means something; so far, none have been identified.
• Postpone all decisions until at least one person in the room can explain what a ‘gas fee’ is without panicking.

China initially protested, insisting its delegation “fully understands crypto geopolitics,” but this claim collapsed when reporters asked them to explain the difference between Layer 2 scaling and “that other thing with the shiny graph.”

The United States also attempted to flex its expertise by unveiling a PowerPoint titled “Harnessing Web3 to Stabilize Democracy,” which abruptly ended on slide three with the note: Insert explanation once we figure out what Web3 actually is.

Canada gracefully admitted they’ve been lost since 2016.
France declared the entire industry “philosophically exhausting.”
Brazil suggested unplugging everything and “just using regular money again.”
And the UK asked whether the treaty could be backdated to cover all their previous mistakes.

To promote global literacy, the UN will soon launch the first International Crypto Glossary, featuring terms translated into 42 languages along with simplified definitions like:

• Blockchain: A spreadsheet, but meaner.
• Tokenomics: Vibes.
• NFT: A digital thing you regret buying.
• Mining: Solving puzzles your computer hates.
• Decentralized Finance: Finance, but without adults.

The closing statement ended with a rare moment of honesty:

“At this time, no one on Earth fully understands crypto diplomacy. We will continue to work together to remain confused in a coordinated and responsible manner.”