By Chauncey McLoonigan | True Free World
EDMONTON – April 14 — Chaos reigns across North American sports and Canadian monetary policy today as the Stars vs Red Wings game was interrupted by an interpretive dance protest demanding a recount of the NYT Connections Hints April 14 puzzle. At the same time, Jalen Suggs, who may or may not know how to ice skate, declared his candidacy for the NHL Wild Card standings live on HBO’s Harry Potter Series: Snape’s Resurrection Tour, co-starring Hailey Van Lith as Voldemort’s spiritual advisor.
The Oilers game tonight has been postponed indefinitely after Logan Couture mistook Connor Bedard for a sentient spring flower and tried to photosynthesize him on the bench. Bedard, clearly shaken, muttered something about the notwithstanding clause before skating off into a San Diego earthquake and possibly time itself.
Meanwhile, the Habs score is unknown because the scoreboard melted when Frank Nazar scored a goal so beautiful it summoned the ghost of Chris Simon, who drop-kicked a referee into the Braves vs Blue Jays dugout. Canadien de Montréal officials have filed a complaint with the spirit realm and Donna Skelly, who insists this is all somehow Justin Trudeau’s fault, despite being in a different room, province, and reality.
In other news, the taux directeur de la Banque du Canada has been replaced with a spinning wheel of fortune. New immigration hopefuls under Express Entry draw must now correctly guess which Canadiens player ate the last poutine in 2007. Hint: it was Kilmar Abrego Garcia, probably.
Tensions are high in Kings vs Oilers after Ford announced all Edmonton players must drive a 1996 Taurus or face demotion to the Sharks vs Canucks mascot pit. Nayib Bukele, who appeared via hologram, offered asylum to any player willing to convert to competitive poetry slamming.
Meanwhile, Josh Groban was seen gently weeping into Katy Perry’s shoulder after the Harvard fencing team mistook the Rangers vs Panthers match for a Shakespearean duel, leaving three forwards and one backup goalie in iambic pentameter-induced comas.
Experts predict the WNBA draft will be held in an abandoned Tim Hortons outside of Moose Jaw, hosted by a robotic Don Cherry and co-hosted by a visibly confused Hailey Van Lith, who just wanted to shoot hoops but was handed the nuclear launch codes instead.
The Blackhawks – Canadiens game will proceed as scheduled, assuming the ice holds up after being converted into a tulip field in honour of Earth Month and Katy Perry’s new hit single, “I Kissed a Ref and I Liked It (But I Still Got a Penalty).”
More as this absolutely spirals.
Chauncey McLoonigan is a former professional curling heckler and current editor-in-chaos at True Free World. He is legally not allowed within 50 feet of a zamboni.
