By: Your wacky scribe, Chuckle McSnark Jr.
The Moon decided life was too boring and turned itself red. Yep, a total lunar eclipse—a.k.a. the Blood Moon—flashed across the night sky, basically mooning the world with cosmic sass. If you missed it, tough luck—or actually, congratulations if you were staring at your phone. ScienceAlertABC7 New York
United Airlines: Grounded Like a Rebellious Teen
All United flights got rooted to the tarmac thanks to a tech meltdown. Hundreds of planes took a break, passengers turned into unwilling tourists, and the only thing taking off was meme culture. Flights eventually resumed—but delays laughed in the face of optimism. People.comMarketWatchReuters
UFC 319: Smackdown in Chicago
In an effort to turn the city into a bloodsport theme park, Dricus du Plessis is squaring off against the invincible Khamzat Chimaev on August 16. Du Plessis promises to KO hype with aggression; fans promise to bring the hyperbole. New York PostWikipedia
Sports, People & Other Randomness (Fully Absurd Edition)
- Man City, Brewers, Cardinals, Mets, Giants, Bills, Packers, Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Vikings—basically every team you’ve ever heard of is somehow tangled in this Saturnalian sideshow.
- Footballers & Athletes: Graham Mertz, Kaleb Johnson, Angel Reese, Emilio Nava, Aryna Sabalenka… plus kids like Jaxson Dart, Joe Milton, Sam Howell, and future legends like Connor Zilisch throwing touchdowns in you-didn’t-see-it-coming plays.
- Other Cameos: Emma Thompson performing Shakespeare at half-time; JFK Jr. lost on the tarmac; Johnny Damon swinging at moon craters; bizarre police reports involving Trigg Kiser; and the Homestuck animated pilot playing during flight delays. Also, occasional pop-ins from Rondale Moore, Steve Erceg, Travis Hunter, Anthony Hernandez, Cam Little… because why not, right?
The McSnark Jr. Take
Imagine the cosmos, airlines, UFC, and your sports obsessions smashed into a blender. That’s this week’s edition. A blood moon smirks above, planes are grounded in rebellion, fighters gear up for Chicago’s gladiator games, and every athlete with a name gets a line—even if it’s just to remind us how gloriously random this world is.
Strap in, my chaotic friend. We’ve got front-row seats to the biggest mix-up since microwaved waffles met garden vegetables.
— Chuckle McSnark Jr.
