Forks flying. Tupperware clashing. Marriages tested.
SPRINGFIELD — After decades of simmering domestic tension, parents across the country have officially declared dishwasher loading a full-contact competitive sport, complete with strategy, injuries, and at least one referee who insists everyone’s “doing it wrong.”
The announcement came moments after a study revealed that 87 percent of households experience “heightened emotional turbulence” every time someone tries to fit “just one more plate” into a machine that is objectively full.
“We tried doing this peacefully,” said Linda Mercer, 42, expertly dodging a rogue spatula. “But at some point, you’ve got to accept reality: loading a dishwasher is basically gladiator combat with mugs.”
Officials released early guidelines for the sport, including:
- Points awarded for fitting impossible items into improbable spaces.
- Two-minute penalties for placing bowls in the bottom rack like a barbarian.
- Automatic ejection for loading knives point-up, which safety officials called “proof of dark intentions.”
- Bonus points for that mystical moment when everything somehow fits, inspiring brief but powerful household unity.
Observers report most arguments begin the same way: one partner silently reloading the dishwasher immediately after the other finishes, claiming they’re “just optimizing.” The other partner then claims this counts as a personal attack on their character, moral values, and dish-stacking lineage.
The dishwasher itself, meanwhile, remains neutral, although several models have started emitting noises researchers describe as “mechanical sighing.”
In a surprising twist, the newly formed National Dishwasher Association confirmed the sport will involve weight classes:
- Lightweight Division: Single mugs, spoons, and bowls that don’t cooperate.
- Middleweight: Tupperware whose lids have gone into witness protection.
- Heavyweight: Pots that “aren’t supposed to go in there,” depending on whose mom you ask.
Parents say the sport has also become an unexpected source of cardio.
“I burned 300 calories arguing about whether the plates should face the sink,” said one father, proudly adjusting his sweatband. “That’s more than I burn at the gym. I’m considering canceling my membership.”
The International Olympic Committee has not yet announced whether dishwasher loading will become an official event, though insiders say it already has “more structure than curling” and “significantly higher emotional stakes.”
The article ends with the joint statement released by exhausted parents everywhere:
“We don’t want peace. We want efficiency.”
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