By Avery “Real-Person” Quinlan, Senior Satirist at True Free World
Los Angeles – In a night full of dramatic twists that could rival the plotlines of a soap opera, the 2025 Academy Awards had a bit of everything: star-studded winners, the stock market in a nosedive, and even a minor earthquake that shook more than just the city’s foundations. If you didn’t watch it, you probably wish you had.
Mikey Madison and Kieran Culkin took home Best Supporting Actor and Actress awards, respectively, despite a stiff competition from Adrien Brody, who tried but failed to distract the voters with his uncanny ability to wear vintage suits. Meanwhile, Zoe Saldaña, after accepting her award for best performance in a flow movie, had a brief emotional moment before she was reminded by her husband (who shall remain nameless for privacy reasons) that she had, in fact, left her cell phone backstage.
On the other side of the night, Goldie Hawn and Halle Berry shared an awkward hug after being paired up to present the Oscar for Best Director—at least the “Blizzard Warning” wasn’t enough to keep them from showing up, but reports of the pair nearly falling into the rubble of a collapsed side-stage set are still under investigation.
Stock markets, meanwhile, continued their downward spiral. At least Kroger CEO Rodney McMullen seemed to be in a good mood despite his grocery empire teetering like the mood swings of an Oscar nominee. The Los Angeles earthquake, which struck just as Cynthia Erivo took the stage to sing a tribute to Mick Jagger, left the entire auditorium quivering—though no one was sure if it was due to the ground shaking or just Adam Sandler’s latest attempt at a heartfelt speech.
Other notable moments: Juventus beat Verona 3-1, while Nottingham Forest’s match against Ipswich Town was canceled after a sudden market crash wiped out the day’s ticket sales. Daryl Hannah—who had the misfortune of being seated right next to a giggling Kylie Jenner—was not pleased. Meanwhile, Jimmy Johnson, ever the cool-headed pro, had to step in after Mick Jagger couldn’t stop shaking his hips to the Oscar after-party playlist.
And, in perhaps the most surreal moment of the night, “No Other Land,” a documentary about the underground life of TSMC employees, won Best Picture, leaving the crowd in a stunned silence. Even the blizzard outside didn’t manage to out-cold that reception.
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