NORTH POLE — In a stunning turn of yuletide events, Santa Claus has officially announced that he will not be delivering presents to the United States this year, citing his recent deportation by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
According to Santa’s spokesperson, a mid-level elf named Sprinkleston J. Gumdrop, the jolly icon was flagged during a routine “airspace compliance sweep.” His alleged crimes? Suspicious aerial activity, unregistered sled modifications, and, most damningly, “excessive gift distribution without a commerce visa.”
Officials defended the decision, claiming Santa’s global overnight travel pattern “looked extremely unlawful,” especially his habit of entering millions of homes without a warrant.
A Bureaucratic Nightmare Wrapped in Red Tape
Santa, appearing via a frosty Zoom call, described the ordeal as “an absolute blizzard of paperwork.” He reports being handed three separate forms just to confirm the species of each reindeer, including Rudolph, who glowed angrily during questioning.
“I tried to explain that the Naughty List is actually a restorative justice system,” Santa said, “but the agents kept insisting it was an unregulated database.”
Sources say that after hours of interrogation, agents determined Santa had violated “approximately every subsection of the Seasonal Border Entry Handbook,” a document no one has ever heard of and that many believe was invented on the spot.
The North Pole Responds
The North Pole Council issued a statement expressing “deep disappointment” and warning that American children may receive “IOUs, coupons, or repurposed gifts originally meant for Belgium.”
Elves across the Pole have reportedly entered a state of high-stress production, frantically redirecting presents to “countries that aren’t actively trying to extradite their boss.”
U.S. Officials: ‘We’re Just Following Protocol’
I.C.E. representatives claim the incident is a misunderstanding, insisting they “love Christmas” but “can’t make exceptions for magical figures who violate 400 airspace regulations in one night.”
One agent, speaking anonymously, admitted that Rudolph’s nose “felt like a threat,” adding: “You can’t just show up glowing like that without documentation.”
Children React With Seasonal Panic
Across the U.S., children are reportedly devastated. One 7-year-old from Ohio declared she would “write a strongly worded letter to Congress,” although experts warn it may be more effective than expected.
Meanwhile, parents have mixed feelings. Some are scrambling to buy gifts. Others are relieved the elf-on-the-shelf surveillance state might finally collapse.
What Happens Next?
For now, Santa says he’ll focus on countries “less hostile to holiday joy,” though he hasn’t ruled out legal action.
“I’ve checked the Department of Homeland Security’s list twice,” Santa said. “And frankly, they’re all on the wrong side of it.”
Experts predict tense diplomatic talks, with the North Pole possibly demanding formal recognition as a sovereign nation, or at minimum, expedited sleigh-landing permits.
Until then, American children are advised to cherish their memories of Christmas past. And maybe learn how to file an appeal.
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