By Rusty R. Balderdash, Senior Satirist at True Free World
Washington, D.C. – On a night that combined politics, pop culture, and pure pandemonium, the State of the Union address was nothing short of a circus. As Treasury Department Boi (yes, that’s a thing now) opened the evening by discussing the disastrous Trump tariffs, the stock market, as predicted by every millennial with an internet connection, immediately plunged—like Cillian Murphy’s career after he signed up for Starship Flight 8.
Meanwhile, in the lobby, Colman Domingo was busy trying to talk sense into an utterly bewildered Julia Fox, who had somehow arrived at the wrong venue, armed with a glittering pair of UBlock Origin socks and a threatening email from Karla Sofia Gascon regarding her next TikTok video. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
As the speech continued, Cynthia Erivo’s partner tried to comfort her after realizing Rachel Zegler had been chosen to sing the national anthem. A high wind warning outside seemed mild compared to the storm inside the building, where Amouranth had somehow hijacked the live stream, live-tweeting every single awkward moment with emojis, while Lily Rose Depp shared her deep thoughts on the current state of women’s rights via Instagram Live, tagging International Women’s Day 2025 in her selfie.
At this point, the SP500 was already freefalling faster than a high-speed Villarreal vs Espanyol match, while Tee Higgins had been seen frantically scrolling through his phone, muttering, “Where’s my crypto wallet?” As the wind howled through the White House, Tony Todd appeared on the big screen, offering advice on how to survive the impending apocalypse. No one listened.
Outside, Fort Benning was in full chaos, with Rick Scott leading a parade of confused students in what he called a “heavily discounted military drill,” all while G$ Lil Ronnie tried to promote his new single, “Take It Down (Act)”, which somehow got airplay despite being banned by every radio station under the sun. The whole event culminated in a tragic but inevitable clash of egos when the stage collapsed during a surprise performance by Lincoln Diaz Balart, who’d inexplicably been invited to play the clarinet.
As the evening wrapped up, the entire planet seemed to realize that nothing was ever going to make sense again—except, maybe, the final whistle in the Villarreal vs Espanyol game, where the underdogs won. That felt oddly comforting.
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