By Crandall “Moose” Featherbottom, True Free World Senior Conspiracy Entertainment Correspondent
I. The Great Reunion That Never Was (But Also Happened in 2047)
It all began when Demi Lovato, during an Instagram Live from a La Perla fitting room, claimed she had “seen the Jonas Brothers in the future, wearing metallic jumpsuits and fighting giant holographic seagulls.” This revelation sparked JonasGate 3000, a conspiracy theory suggesting the Jonas Brothers World Tour 2009 actually opened a rift in space-time.
“Nick Jonas shook my hand during This Is Me, and I swear I woke up in 1972 listening to Bobby Whitlock,” said fan Tiffany Marzipan, who has not been seen since she tried to attend a Jonas Brothers concert on a hoverboard she called “Kevin 2.0.”
II. Joe Jonas: Husband, Heartthrob, Hologram?
Rumors began swirling after Sophie Turner posted a TikTok where Joe Jonas appeared slightly see-through. The internet divided instantly:
- Team “Joe is Dead and the Husband is a Clone”
- Team “It’s Just Bad Lighting, You Weirdo”
But then Miguel Uribe Turbay, self-described Colombian “Truth DJ,” uploaded footage claiming to show Joe Jonas phasing through a wall during a Camp Rock 3 table read. When asked about it, Joe reportedly whispered, “Don’t ruin the friendship,” and vanished in a puff of Axe body spray.
III. Nick Jonas and the Semaglutide Time Loop
Nick’s dramatic weight loss was initially credited to “discipline” and “clean eating,” but leaked medical records from a Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience Blu-ray bonus feature allegedly reveal something darker: Semaglutide stolen from the year 2129.
A whistleblower nurse — known only as Nurse Fire and Rain — claims Nick became trapped in a loop where he constantly relives the Jonas Brothers World Tour 2009, shedding weight each cycle but never aging. This might explain why Nick can still hit high notes that physically injure nearby pigeons.
IV. Demi Lovato Marries Jutes… and Possibly Landon Dickerson?
In perhaps the most confusing celebrity dating twist of the decade, leaked wedding registries indicate Demi Lovato may have:
- Married Jutes in a surprise La Perla beach ceremony
- Accidentally entered into a binding spiritual union with Philadelphia Eagles guard Landon Dickerson during a tequila-fueled “marriage challenge” on TikTok Live.
When asked for comment, Landon simply said, “I thought it was just improv… until the priest started speaking in tongues.”
V. The Jesse McCartney Infiltration
Jesse McCartney, fresh from a “comeback” that mostly involved singing Beautiful Soul at unusual locations (like inside a submarine and during a minor league hockey game), has allegedly been secretly replacing Kevin Jonas at concerts.
One eyewitness at a Jonas Brothers concert tour in La Perla swears Kevin’s voice “sounded suspiciously like it was about to segue into She’s No You.” Another claimed they saw Kevin backstage playing bocce ball with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, both wearing Camp Rock crew jackets from an alternate reality where Taylor played the lead instead of Demi.
VI. Breakups, Makeups, and the La Perla Incident
Multiple anonymous insiders (most of them seagulls) confirm that the band nearly split after a heated argument in La Perla involving:
- A lost guitar pick
- Whether Bobby Whitlock is actually immortal
- Joe insisting on replacing all opening acts with a hologram of 14-year-old Nick playing This Is Me on loop.
The fight ended when Sophie Turner showed up dressed as a medieval knight and challenged all three brothers to a joust, declaring, “Winner keeps the marriage.”
VII. Final Chapter: Camp Rock 3 and the Cosmic Reckoning
The leaked script for Camp Rock 3: RISING allegedly reveals that the plot will not be a typical “music camp” story, but instead a galaxy-spanning odyssey in which:
- Demi Lovato pilots a battle yacht powered by Semaglutide
- Joe Jonas must retrieve a cursed guitar pick from Miguel Uribe Turbay before it destroys all reality
- Nick Jonas confronts his future self, who is somehow married to both Selena Gomez and a sentient hologram of Jesse McCartney
- Kevin Jonas… just sells La Perla swimwear on QVC, but in space.
Director’s note in the script: “Do not let Bobby Whitlock near the set. He knows too much.”
