NEW YORK — In a surprise announcement that left diplomats, cryptozoologists, and several confused woodland spirits blinking hard, President Donald Trump declared that he has successfully negotiated peace between two ancient fantasy races locked in a 3,000-year conflict.
The factions, the Mountain Troll Confederacy and the Forest Elven Collective, have been battling over territory, moss rights, and “general vibes” since the Age of Legends. Analysts long insisted no mortal negotiator could even get them in the same room without someone casting an explosive spell.
Trump insists he was the perfect man for the job.
“Look, trolls love me, elves love me, everybody loves me,” he told True Free World during a press conference held in front of a suspiciously glowing archway. “I walked in there, I said, ‘Stop the fighting, it’s bad—very bad,’ and boom: instant peace. Nobody thought I could do it, except me.”
Sources on the ground describe a wildly different scene.
One elven diplomat, visibly exhausted, said: “He kept calling our sacred Moonstone Treaty ‘a tremendous contract, really beautiful, could’ve used more gold leaf.’ We agreed to the truce just to get him to stop trying to rename the forest after himself.”
Troll leaders were equally baffled.
“He offered to build us a ‘big, strong, magical bridge’ so sturdy it would ‘make dwarves jealous,’” said Chief Boulderfury, picking moss out of his teeth. “We don’t need a bridge. We can swim. But he insisted. He signed the peace deal on a boulder. With a crayon.”
Experts say the treaty includes:
• elves promising to stop firing shimmering arrows into troll camps
• trolls agreeing not to smash elven treehomes during “anger naps”
• Trump receiving honorary titles from both sides, including “Ambassador of Loud Declarations” and “Keeper of the Slightly Bent Golden Quill”
When asked how he managed to negotiate with species that traditionally despise humans, Trump shrugged and said, “They told me I had the energy of an ancient prophecy. Very flattering. Very true.”
Both races have tentatively agreed to meet again next solstice to finalize magical border lines, assuming Trump doesn’t attempt to move them “a little to the right so they look better on a map.”
True Free World will continue covering the situation, provided we survive the teleportation lag between meetings.
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