WASHINGTON — Less than twenty-four hours after President Donald Trump announced his “legendary, unparalleled, best-in-all-realities” peace treaty between the Mountain Troll Confederacy and the Forest Elven Collective, the entire agreement has already detonated in spectacular fashion.
The collapse reportedly started when an elven envoy accused troll warriors of violating the “No Throwing Things Before Breakfast” clause, after a group of trolls launched several boulders “just to see how far they’d fly.” Troll representatives fired back, claiming the elves “started it” by lighting up the hillside with “smug sparkling magic that hurt our eyes.”
Both sides have now retreated to their territories, preparing for what diplomats are calling “the loudest escalation since the Mushroom Siege.”
President Trump, however, brushed off the situation with alarming confidence.
“It’s nothing, absolutely nothing,” he told reporters outside the White House, adjusting his glowing honorary elven cloak. “These are incredible people; the trolls love me, the elves love me, they respect me so much. This will blow over in a couple days, maybe even this afternoon. Everybody relax.”
Experts disagree. Intensely.
One senior magical conflict analyst told True Free World: “This is not blowing over. The elves are already chanting war-songs and the trolls are painting their battle rocks. This is… this is going to take a lot more than a pep talk and a bridge drawn in crayon.”
Sources say the treaty’s breakdown may have been accelerated by:
• Trump accidentally calling the ancient Elven High Queen “the tall one with the ears”
• trolls misunderstanding the phrase “cease fire” and assuming it meant “pause, then throw hotter things”
• elves discovering that the ceremonial quill Trump signed the treaty with was actually a broken pigeon feather dipped in gold spray paint
Meanwhile, both factions have issued official statements.
The elves:
“Peace was attempted. Peace was abandoned. The forest remembers.”
The trolls:
“We didn’t break anything important yet, but we’re getting warmed up.”
Trump doubled down this morning, insisting, “Everyone’s being dramatic. They’ll be hugging in a couple days. You’ll see.” He then added that if negotiations resume, he plans to “bring snacks this time,” though he did not specify whether elves or trolls even eat Cheez-Its.
True Free World will keep following the crisis once we dig ourselves out of the protective dirt mound our on-scene reporter is hiding in.
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