Diplomats unanimously agree to put the world on Do Not Disturb until Monday.
In a historic announcement that somehow surprised no one, the United Nations declared today that they’re “taking a short break from fixing literally everything,” citing emotional exhaustion, chronic global nonsense, and—according to one delegate—“a collective vibe crash that just cannot be ignored anymore.”
The decision passed unanimously, mostly because everyone was too tired to argue and also because several officials were already halfway out the door clutching iced coffees like emotional support animals.
UN Secretary-General Mateo Alvarez addressed the press with the energy of a person who slept exactly four hours and dreamed about spreadsheets chasing him through a diplomatic maze.
“Look,” he sighed, rubbing his temples, “we’ve been dealing with wars, climate crises, currency collapses, underwater volcanoes, angry billionaires, and… whatever that thing was with the bees. It’s just… a lot. We’ll get back to it Monday.”
A Global Pause Button, Finally Pressed
Starting immediately, all official world-fixing activities will be temporarily suspended.
This includes:
• mediating conflicts
• issuing strongly worded letters
• pretending sanctions do anything
• pretending meetings do anything
• and trying to stop countries from “accidentally” pointing missiles at each other
Instead, the UN headquarters has switched their global status to Do Not Disturb, the first time in history a setting normally reserved for introverts and group chat escape artists has been applied to international diplomacy.
One aide whispered to reporters, “We’re not ignoring anyone. We’re just prioritizing self-care over twelve simultaneous crises. It’s radical. It’s brave. It’s also long overdue.”
World Leaders React Exactly How You’d Expect
Reactions ranged from confused to offended to deeply supportive.
The United States responded by sending an email titled “Quick Question”—which was immediately bounced back with an automated reply reading:
“We are unavailable. We are resting. Please do not start a new war while we are gone. We mean it.”
France simply shrugged and opened more wine.
Canada apologized.
Russia pretended they didn’t see the message.
Meanwhile, several smaller nations expressed cautious optimism.
“If they come back rested, maybe they’ll actually read our emails this time,” one ambassador joked. “We’ve been trying to get someone to listen to our fisheries crisis since 2012.”
Self-Care Diplomacy: A Bold New Frontier
Experts are calling the move a powerful example of “institutional boundaries,” a fancy term meaning the UN has finally admitted that trying to solve every global problem is like trying to mop the ocean during a hurricane.
Psychologists applaud the decision.
“Burnout is real,” said Dr. Mariana Lin. “The UN deserves rest, reflection, maybe some herbal tea, and at least one wholesome hobby. I recommend pottery or bird-watching.”
Rumors suggest members of the Security Council are planning a weekend retreat involving yoga, therapy llamas, and a group exercise where they shout their feelings into a canyon.
Will The World Behave While the UN Rests?
Absolutely not.
Of course not.
Why would it.
But diplomats insist that the break is essential.
“You can’t fix the world if you resent the world,” Alvarez said, staring into the middle distance like a man who’s heard one too many nuclear threats before breakfast.
Back Monday… Hopefully
The UN has promised to return to full function Monday morning, though inside sources say this depends heavily on whether anyone starts a fresh crisis between now and then.
The Do Not Disturb message ends with a final note:
“If this is an emergency, please contact literally anyone else. We’ll be back soon. Probably.”
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