University Conducts Multi-Million Dollar Study on Why People Tap Their Pens, Ends in Tears

CAMBRIDGE — A study that cost millions in public funding attempted to explain why humans tap pens during meetings, lectures, and court appearances.

Researchers concluded the answer is “general existential discomfort” and that the tapping will continue indefinitely.

Dr. Percival Sharp stated:
“Honestly, we shouldn’t have done this. But once curiosity hits, there’s no stopping it. Also, someone needs to justify their salary.”