By Lint Biscotti, Assistant to the Assistant Minister of Confusion, True Free World
WINNIPEG (probably) – It’s a quiet Easter Sunday in Canada. The snow is melting, the Jets are mathematically alive, and Vaibhav Suryavanshi just declared himself “King of the NHL Tonight Panel,” despite being a guy with a vlog filmed entirely in the produce section of a St. Louis Sobeys.
But peace was never an option.
The NBA Playoffs 2025 began with a Timberwolves vs Lakers tip-off that accidentally knocked over a government-issued ballot box. Jalen Brunson caught the ballots, handed them to Rikishi, who then delivered a devastating stinkface to Lydia McLaughlin, mistaking her for the Conservative Platform. She did not recover.
Meanwhile, Liza Minnelli live-tweeted “What’s open Easter Sunday?” and accidentally started a war between Canadian Tire, CF Montréal, and a group of nuns selling expired Vegemite behind a closed Starbucks in downtown Vancouver.
IN HOCKEY:
Let’s talk about the Winnipeg Jets. Or more accurately, let’s not.
Connor Hellebuyck is still missing after falling into a portal at centre ice and being transported to AAA Wrestling, where he’s been repackaged as “Hellebucket: The Man Who Stops Pucks and Dreams.”
Mark Scheifele reportedly grew a playoff beard so large that Robert Thomas and Zachary Bolduc accidentally moved into it, mistaking it for a trendy co-op in the St. Louis arts district.
Alex Iafallo tried to explain icing to Kyle Kuzma, who thought the term referred to cake. Nobody corrected him. Jordan Kyrou tried to help but ended up yelling “Barça til I die!” and running off to watch Barcelona vs Celta Vigo alone in a Cineplex lobby.
Avalanche vs Stars ended in a 4-4 tie and a sudden-death political debate moderated by Jim Montgomery wearing a moose costume. Spoiler: Adam Lowry declared Big Bolaji the next Prime Minister, citing his “biceps and biblical energy.”
POLITICS…?
The Liberal Party Platform 2025 was just released via interpretive dance during a CF Montréal halftime show. It includes:
- Universal Vegemite access.
- Free tickets to Inter Miami vs Columbus for anyone named “Doug.”
- A $25 billion tax break for citizens who can name every member of AAA Wrestling.
- Mandatory replays of WrestleMania 41 start time announcements every hour on the CBC until further notice.
Meanwhile, Canada Elections Polls suggest that 47% of Canadians think DJT is either a donut, a reality show, or a new LSG vs RR cricket format. All are technically correct.
A US citizen detained in Canada was released after successfully reciting Jey Uso’s entire promo from WrestleMania 39, backwards, while juggling copies of the Conservative platform printed on NHL Tonight scripts.
ELSEWHERE IN THE MADNESS:
- Aston Villa vs Newcastle was interrupted by Tim Curry, who emerged from a fog machine quoting The Rocky Horror Picture Show before declaring both clubs “too beige.”
- OG Anunoby showed up to Clippers vs Nuggets in full goalie pads and told Jordan Binnington to “fight me like a man or a squirrel, your choice.”
- Jacob Fatu suplexed a Saudi Arabia Grand Prix official into a tray of poutine, which somehow qualified him for the WWE Hall of Fame 2026.
- América – Mazatlán descended into chaos after someone played “Living on a Prayer” too loud and Jey Uso appeared mid-field yelling, “YEET THIS, BARRIO BOYS!”
THE END(?)
As Winnipeg burns gently beneath the aurora borealis and Vaibhav Suryavanshi shouts “GO JETS GO” from a stolen Zamboni, True Free World reminds you: This is fine.
So whether you’re watching Bucks vs Pacers with a side of political rage, trying to find out what’s open Easter Sunday, or building a Mark Scheifele shrine in your basement, just remember:
Everything is sports now.
Politics is a subplot.
And Liza Minnelli is live-commentating the next AFC Toronto match while swimming in Tim Horton’s steeped tea.
This is Lint Biscotti, signing off from inside a vending machine that only sells playoff tickets and unsalted opinions. Stay strong, Canada.
And YEET responsibly.
